July is here!!

Hey, Well its been a good few months since I last posted.  I’ve not been back at work as doc signed me off for another six weeks which took me to the end of term.  I’ve been in touch with work and will be back in August.  I’ve been to 4 out of the 6 sessions of counselling and they have been great.  Really got me being aware of my thoughts and how they have been affecting every aspect of my life. Some sessions have been quite intense and have left me tired, which is a good thing. No point in going if I don’t do the work, right?

So the good news is that I am feeling and acting way better than I was.  I am in such a good place now.  Its brighter and not so low. I know that people do like me and want me around and I am changing the filter for my thoughts to be more positive.  I have had a few days where I’ve had big breakthroughs. I’ve been driving home from family time or days out and realised that I didn’t have any negative thoughts all day.  I was in the moment and really enjoyed myself.  I realised then just how bad I had become.  I used to always think that people didn’t want me around. I would be paranoid that I wasn’t liked, or wanted and people were just putting up with me, this would make me withdrawn internally and hating being where I was but without any real reason or proof that this was the case.  I’d hide these feelings and paint on a smile going through the motions until I was home then I would feel rotten and worthless.  A phrase the counsellor has identified that I said a lot was ‘I have no worth’ We are working together to change that, and I’m aware that this will probably be a lifelong change we are working on.

Jess is amazing. She is the one thing I know I am doing right.  She is learning her letters and keeps asking ‘What is for …….?’ meaning what letter does the word start with. I’ve had her spelling bed and dog and cat as well.  Going to have her working on her wee learning books over the summer before she goes back to nursery in August.  She will defo be ready for P1 next year.  We went away for a few days up north to have some proper time to chill and relax.  It was amazing.  I read three books and reminded myself how easy life can be when there is no stress added to it.

My challenge to myself over the summer is to try and bring that feeling back to my day to day life.  Let things go and have no pressure.  I will take that to work too and do what I can whilst at work and leave it there when I finish.  Not bring that stress home with me.  It doesn’t belong here.

Oh i got some news about him the other day.  He has changed jobs which mean his earnings are lower so the maintenance is going to drop by about £70 a month.  I know before that would have affected me greatly I would have spiralled down internally into hating him all over again and being annoyed at how his actions still affect me and J’s life. Truth be told I didn’t do that.  I was annoyed for a wee while then got over it.  Yes it affects me and I’ll need to re-do my budgeting, which is a bit of a blow, but it has no bearing on me as a person or mother.

I hope in the next few weeks I continue to improve and stay living in the moment, whether it a a sun filled smiley moment or a rain covered cuddly moment.



Decisions, decisions

This is such a long post!!! It took me a few sittings to complete.

First things first, there were many factors to take into consideration whilst making this decision. I remember when I moved to Mull, it was like: hey, I’ve got an interview on Mull. Mum, where is Mull?? Decision was easy, let’s move miles away and start a life. Then moving to Dundee was easy too. Mull was too far away and I was fed up of the winters with nothing to do. Now, though,there is this HUGE tiny person to consider and the decision of whether to stay in Ayrshire without a job or move back to Dundee is so difficult. So to try and make some sense of all the whirly burly going on in my head the past few weeks I’ve broken it down.

So yes, for a few weeks he did fill my thoughts. I wondered how I’d feel working and living in the same city where he works. Would I bump into him? Would he look at Jessica or ignore her? Would that affect me? I then had a chat with a good friend (you know who you are) and she said that I needed to go and face my past, not run from it, as well as some other good points. Well I went home after that chat and thought long and hard about him and came to the conclusion that actually it didn’t matter if I ever saw him again. I don’t need to prove anything to him or his family; me and Jess are a great unit, unstoppable, bonded and unbreakable. That relationship is one that I will never get fully over or ever forget as Jessica is a result of it. There will always be unanswered questions, always been that tiny wee bit of me waiting, expecting some contact, prepared for that contact. However it is not filling my every day and I am not obsessing about him. I am now in a place where I am proud of where I am, and if I did see him on the street, I’d walk on by.
So, with that dealt with in my head, sorted out and filed I got thinking about family. Family is super important to me, and although i have some uncles that I would walk by in the street now, I remember growing up with loads of cousins around and spending the odd afternoon with aunts and uncles, babysitting my own cousins, also, since I’ve been back here my cousins have been great. And I realised I want that for Jess. I don’t really want her to grow up with only seeing cousins and grandparents at weekends or in holidays. A 2 week holiday once a year does not make for closeness and that feeling that family are there for you. Now I know that if I’d stayed in fife and had Jess there this was the future she would have but I have the choice now! There is already such a close, amazing, sweet delicate bond between Jess and her cousins. I also feel that I am still figuring this whole single parent life out and I need my parents by my side. There for the wee silly questions, the cuddles, the silence. I have leaned on them so much this past year, if I’m honest I’m just not yet ready to leave that security.

A huge factor was my job is full time, 37.5 hours (sometimes more) a week. That would mean that Jessica would be spending around 40 hours a week with someone who is paid to look after her. Not her primary caregiver, not someone who loved her, not someone who had 100% responsibly just for her, not someone who would move heaven and earth just to see her smile. Considering she is in bed by 7.30 every night I worked it out that I’d only see her for around 30-35 hours a week. So more time in childcare than with me. I would be working to pay for someone else to bring up my child. I know that other people do this, I know that nurseries and childminders are top grade, I know that I would have gotten help with childcare but the bottom line was that this is not how I want to live. The thought of it actually scares me. I want to continue the bond and life I’ve started. Again if I’d stayed who knows what would have happened?

When I seriously considered life in Dundee I cried and felt my heart breaking.

After I had a chat with another pal I considered who would there be to call on when she is ill? What if I got a call from carer to say she couldn’t stay there? I know that staying down here doesn’t always mean that I will have my folks on hand but they would be there. Having been in hospital I know this is true. No matter how close friends are or how helpful they want to be they are not family and I would find it hard to call on them to go pick up Jess. My pal said she would seriously struggle with this if she didn’t have her folks nearby, and that is with her and her husband. This was something that I hadn’t really considered.

So, with all these thoughts whizzing around, I was not sleeping, not really in the zone, preoccupied all the time. It was time to decide, once and for all and the decision was to stay in Ayrshire. To resign from my post in Dundee and put all my energy into making the future work in Ayrshire. And that is what I’ve done. It’s gonna be hard, I’m gonna need to find a part time job and Jess will have to go to a nursery for a few hours a week. But we will make this work. I have family surrounding me, I have no stress of being alone and Jess will have her cousins to show her the ropes. So look out future we are coming.