We put up the tree tonight. And danced, together for the first time ever!! I was holding Jess and she said “down.” Then took both my hands and started to swing her hips. I melted, and laughed, and smiled and thought this is it!! This is what being a parent, a mother is. It’s these small moments of allowing myself to be in the moment and enjoy it. I’ve not been able to do that for a long time. So glad I’m doing it now. 

The tree is up! We are singing jingle bells. We are loving each other. I am climbing out my black hole and going to really enjoy this holiday. Smile real smiles that reach my eyes and touch my heart. That’s my plan.    



It’s Christmas time

Christmas is 4 days away! I’m not sure I have the Christmas spirit yet, I feel kind of flat about the whole thing. I want to make memories for me and Jess, even though I know she won’t remember anything Ill be able to tell her, but I’m finding it hard to do as we spend a lot of the time in the house just the two of us.

Today we did get a wave from Santa Claus and his elves as they drove past being pulled by a tractor. An annual tradition from my towns rotary club. It was special and nice, we stood beside the twinkling tree and waved out the window. I couldn’t help feeling that it was weird not to have anyone to share that moment with though.

Was out with my friend and her baby yesterday and it was good, just to chat about stuff and share experiences and also just to have some company. We wandered round the stores getting some presents.

I’ve got her a wee Santa outfit to wear and special Christmas Jammies to wear on Christmas Eve. I’m sure the Christmas spirit will hit me soon. 🙂

One really good thing is that I don’t have to worry about where I’ll be and when gran and pops will see her, I’d be worried about that if I was still with him 🙂 I decided we will spend Christmas in out own home and gran and pops and cousin Chloe will come and have dinner with us. 🙂 now dinner is something I am looking forward to.