Playing with my peanut

One good thing about this holiday is that I have had all day with Jessica.  Even though now I crave adult chat ever so slightly I have loved every second, even the ones with her screaming.  She is so amazing right now.  Her vocabulary is growing every hour.  She remembers things so well.  Time isn’t measured by the big steps and milestones in her ife but by the little things that she can do, like:

  • Use the handrail to go down the back stairs
  • climb her chair, turn round and strap herself in
  • say please and ta
  • walk down the stairs at nursery all by herself
  • choose her own outfit in the morning
  • put on and pull up her own trousers
  • sit on the toilet
  • eat a full yogurt without spilling anything
  • eat a smartie and a malteser
  • know everyone’s names, including her own.
  • know party games like ring a ring of roses
  • play on her own pretending to feed her teddies
  • take her teddies for walks in the pram and cover them in a blanket and go night night

I’m sure there are loads of other things that I’m missing.  her tantrums still are not of major proportions. they are still there though.

Here she is with her cousins playing a game.

DSC00161

A little life slump

So yeah after the dating situation I feel like my life is in a slump.  I am on holiday just now and so far two weeks in my life comprises of getting up late, trying to tidy and failing miserably, playing with jess, drinking tea whilst she naps then going to my folks house in the afternoon.  I need to shake it up!!!!

We are heading away with my nieces next week so that will hopefully shake stuff up.  I can see that there could be a future where I am not all alone but I’m not sure what i could offer that person.  I am so down right now and have no energy or vitality left.  I need to find it or I will wake up one day and our lives, mine and Jess’s, will have passed by in a wink.

The Dating Game

It is fair to say that Mr Piano Man was not for me.  I played that game and it just didn’t feel right.  He wasn’t great with Jessica, he was too sloppy and dopey with me and he couldn’t kiss very well.  I like a good old fashioned kissing session, on the sofa and prefer it when it leaves you wanting more, wanting it to never end, wanting ,wanting,,,, NOT wanting to stop right now and go wake the baby, or thinking about how much stuff you still have to do that day.  Poor chap, he will be perfect for someone just not this gal.

It did leave me a bit blue, I mean I know that it was the chemistry between us that was wrong, but I couldn’t help but think that maybe I just am not ready to date… anyone. Maybe I don’t have enough time to fit soemone else in and maybe I don’t have the energy/inclination to try?  It also got me thinking though about what I have to offer someone? What cool, hip, funky guy is going to want to be lumbered with me and my little one?  I know that that is the wong way to view life but I feel like I am in a huge slump right now and can’t find a way out.

A friend told me I was brave for taking a chance and going for dates.  I’m not sure I agree with her.  It certainly hasn’t left me feeling brave or confident.  It has had the opposite effect.  I just want to eat my weight in custard creams (which would be many) and hide away.

to be contd….

Someone missing mummy

so we had another night here of Jessica refusing to sleep. I did the usual bedtime routine, at the usual time and she just shouted on me. Came into bed with me and got all comfy and watched a bit of Atonement , played for a bit, chatted for ages, giggled a while and eventually after 10.30 fell asleep. I fell asleep also and woke up at half twelve. I’ve popped her back into her cot, got some work done and now going to sleep too, it’s after half one!! 

This is getting more common now so I’m maybe going to have to speak to nursery and see if we can reduce her nap to an hour? Or maybe I just need to not get anything done between her coming home and bedtime, but that defo won’t work in the winter…. Hey ho, just need to go with it. 

I had to remind myself today that she is my job and she should come before anything else.  If she is shouting for me, there is a reason and I should respond. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned and believe me if there was someone in the house who could have comforted me and cuddled me till I drifted off i’d sure have called for them too. 🙂 

  

Do we ever really change?? 

I was thinking the other day about changes- how have I changed in two years? Is it for the better? Or worse? Am I nicer, more patient, friendlier, or am I hostile, closed off, or non-trusting? How will I know? 

I must have changed- I doubt very much many people could get knocked like that and remain exactly the same. I do t want to have become a different person though and I fear sometimes that I have.  I need to still be true to myself and Jess needs that from me too. I feel like I’m still wound up in the whole situation in my head that I’m not allowing myself to just be for a wee bit. 

Which is why I am going out on a date, or two, with a man who is outside my comfort zone of being older than me. What have I got to lose? He can’t be worse than a secret crossdresser, or a 30 yr old teenager, or someone who changes the locks on me! I survived all that and I’m still shining. I wondered about doing this because I ‘have a child’ how do I date? What happens? How do I act? Etc etc than I found myself re-reading my Paris journal and discovered that I told myself in 2008, to always live in the now. Don’t worry about the past, don’t fret over tomorrow. Stop, look around, breath. This is the now, you only get it once. So yeah who knows what will happen, who cares? Jess is safe, I am safe and I am living. 🙂 

Two years on

I can’t believe it was two years ago that my life changed and everyone who knows me life changed too. All because one little weakling scaredy cat made a decision. I looked at Jess today and you know, I can’t remember how it felt to be as broken as I was two years ago. I know I was, and I know I couldn’ t fathom how life was going to be. But now two years on I am surviving, making life work and have a happy, healthy, intelligent little girl. 

I still feel betrayed and angry but I have absolutely no regrets. And not even the teensiest inkling of having him in our life. I sometimes wonder if I will ever trust someone again the way I did before. I know that I will never jump into any new relationship, but will I ever eventually have that reckless abandon that comes with falling in love? Will I ever give my heart away? I don’t think I will, and the reason? Because it’s not mine to give away now- a small person holds in their hands. She needs it, she owns it and for now, she controls it. 

Some people might say that’s not a healthy view or that I need to move on, or be happy for myself!! Pah I say to all that!! I am happy, I am in love with my baby. I am still trying to work out my life. 

Sometimes I imagine seeing him in the street, I picture what I would do- first thing I always imagine is shielding Jessica from him- I don’t even want to have a confrontation I just want to stop him breathing the same air as Jess- he doesn’t deserve to be near her or bask in her glow. If I saw him myself I don’t know what I’d do. Prob freeze and all those feelings I’ve hidden for two years would return. I’d hope the anger would be first. I’d love to pour a drink over him or tell whoever he is with just how big a scumbag he is. That would be fun. 

So yeah, 2 years, a lifetime of tears, a heart full of love and both of us are healthy, happy and together. I couldn’t picture this future but I tell you, I’m so happy I have it. 🙂  

 

Another blog

i am part of a single parent group on Facebook, and have found it very helpful.  One of the other mums wanted to hear from working single mums, so I answered her questions and featured on her blog. Here is the link

The night of no sleep

it is 5am!!! Jessica has been awake since 1.30am, I only fell asleep at midnight. There is nothing wrong with her- she is not ill. She is hyper!!! Kicking me, bouncing on the bed, giggling, telling me she had a dirty nappy. No cries or need of cuddles or anything. I am exhausted, I am tired, I have racked my patience threshold.  I have put her back in cot and she cried for a couple of minutes and is now silent. I’m not going to check in case she is still awake. 

When your baby is ill and needs you, it’s amazing what strength and energy you find from places you never knew existed. Why can’t I do that tonight? She might be ill, I just can’t see it.  

I snapped at her, i couldnt help it, what did she do? Laughed at me! Thought it was hilarious. 

I hate that I have to get up for work soon. I hate that I will never know why she was awake all night. I hate that somewhere someone is sleeping all night and will never grasp these mixed emotions. 

Goodnight 

Heart melts a little…

I asked Jess tonight if she missed me at nursery as she was super cuddly and kept pointing at me and saying ‘mum’

Her response- she nodded her tiny wee head, smiled and said ‘yeah’ 

My heart melted a wee bit. 

Road trips, elections and swimming.

Last weekend me and Jess went on a little road trip to Liverpool.  We went to stay with a old school pal of mine.  It was bliss.  The road down took 5.5 hours because we stopped twice, once for me to pee and then again to chance Jess.  She never slept on the way down at all and only cried when she dropped Teddy.  It was good fun, a bit of a boring road driving down the M6 but easy.  If i had petrol money I would do it once a month.  Seeing my pal was great, it reminds me of the true definition of friendship and family as she welcomed me in and we just click like we did when we were 6.  I felt truly relaxed, more than i have for a long time.  Jess loved all the attention and chased her new wee pal K around the place all the time.  K is 3 months younger and just on his feet.  They made quite the pair.  She didn’t like going to sleep in the travel cot and cried for a while at night going to sleep, but she stayed sleeping and was as good as gold.  Mini meltdowns did occur as she tried to assert her authority and demand a few things,  but she quickly learnt I was having none of it and got back up to play.

Her mini meltdowns make me laugh,  She generally throws herself down and kicks her wee feet whilst crying (beginning to add ‘mummy’ to the cry)  As long as she is safe I ignore it and they last about 40 seconds.  HaHa.   I always try and see things from her point of view and work out if what she is asking is reasonable or not, usually its not.  Like today I took her water cup off her as she was tipping the water out and wiping it everywhere.  She did not like this.  but i just hid the water cup, wiped up the water and gave her another toy to play with, the game was quickly forgotten.

It was so good to have adult company all weekend, to have other people to watch Jess and entertain her, to chat about life and motherhood and sit in silence and mostly it was good to not be alone.

She got her first stranger kiss when we were down in liverpool.  A wee boy followed her out the play bit at soft play and hugged and kissed her, she just stood there sucking her thumb, looking kinda dumbfounded, poor wee lad.  she was fine though it did make me wonder about that side of her personality.  Will she alwyas stand and let people hug her or will she walk away?  I wonder if I will revisit thia in 15 years or so and say there Jess that was when I noticed how nice you were?

The general election was last week and SNP sent 56/59 MP’s to Westminster.  I knew that Scotland and Scottish people were engaged in politics but I did not realise they were that disappointed with Labour.  Time will tell how much input they will have and how much of an impact they will have.  I’m not sure it will be huge, Tories are in for another 5 years of cuts cuts and more cuts.

We went swimming when i was down in Liverpool and Jess was not really that impressed.  To be fair I didn’t reallyy know what t do with her in the water.  She started to shiver and chitter and laughed a bit but clung to me like a wee monkey. So, when i get home i called up the council and we found a space on a parent and child swim course,  7 weeks of a 10 week course and we had her first lesson last week.  She loved it.  wore little arm bands and floated away. absolutely great fun.  lots of splashes and lots of giggles.  Plus i know now what to do with her when i take her myself.

The other day my mum said that she looked like her dad.  it was the first time she had seen him in her.  it went quickly and she looked like herself again. I told my mum of course he is there.  They share dna.  It saddens me because it reminds me of something that she will never have.  It angers me because it reminds me i will never be free of being reminded of how hurtful humans can be.  I wonder about the future, about the conversations we will no doubt have.  I wonder about a time when i will see her look like him and feel nothing.  When all the pain and doubt will be gone.

 2015-05-01 16.02.46