6 weeks in

So its been about five/six weeks since I started medication for anxiety.  How do i feel? Thats a tough  one!! Tired definetly! Able to make decisions – not really.  Aware that I’ve been putting on a front for too long? Tired of pretending ? Yep.  Its so hard you know, getting to the end of each day, feeling fake accomplishment on doing the bare necessity.  My energy goes on Jess, without a doubt.  I hope she doesn’t know and doesn’t remember her mum saying “I’m tired” or ” we’ll do it tomorrow” I hope she remembers the games of snap on the floor, the planting of bulbs, the time spent with her, the cuddles.  She got herself dried and dressed this morning after her shower.  I said “You need to slow down little girl, you soon won’t need me” and she replied “I’ll always need you mummy.” Its so true as well.  I need to get well for her. I need to get well to show her its okay to be ill.

I took her shopping for new trainers last night.  She had the full wall to choose from and she chose The Avengers – super heroes. She did try on a pair of pink sparkly ones but they looked ridiculous.  We left the shop with Avengers trainers, wellies and socks and a superman t-shirt and a Marvel t-shirt.  My daughter loves a superhero.

I have been referred for counselling. I need to talk through the past four years.  I need to understand that although things happen to us that are outwith our control we can claim that control back. We can choose how to behave and I need that to be a default way of life and not an as and when i remember it.  It is hard to constantly be fighting against something.  I need to stand up to work or take the plunge and change jobs.  A decision that still overwhelms me at the moment.

I took some time out over the easter hols.  I stayed with friends, i stayed with my best friend.  I can 100% say that friendship is good for the soul.  Being looked after is good for the soul. Being loved is good for the soul.  I wish my friends didn’t live so far away.  being somewhere where they know what you are going through and they do not push for you to talk, but allow you the space to talk is worth a million pounds.  Where they feed you and organise what you will do – where they do the one thing you struggle with – they make the every day small decisions for you and allow you the time to feel and heal.  That is friendship and I am lucky I have friends that I do.  She know who she is and she is loved.

I’m sitting in a busy coffee shop  I’ve been here for about two hours watching netflix on my laptop.  This is a safe place where I am with people so I need to be presentable but I disappear.  No one queries me,  I can think but not be overwhelmed with my thoughts.  I can see that I am the same as everyone else.  I am not any worse off.

 

Sleep talking

Yep my child talks in her sleep. Tonight’s little nugget was ‘stars! No!’ Then she turned over me shouted ‘no doggy, no’ wonder what’s she is dreaming about? 

Previous call outs have been ‘Ellie, stop. It doesn’t fit’ 

Love this munchkin. 

Dry dry dry splish splash

She is well and truly potty trained now, since last post she has had two nighttime accidents and a few in the car but none at all for weeks now.  I love it!! She is so big!!! Potty trained, using a knife and fork, talking in sentences all before two!!! Oh yeah and swimming with armbands. I can’t believe it!!  Go once a week and she can kick her legs and move her arms to get a ball, or get me. She also floats on her back in a star shape and jumps in- proper big legs bent jumps!! It’s awesome! 🙂 my on little water baby. 

A little life slump

So yeah after the dating situation I feel like my life is in a slump.  I am on holiday just now and so far two weeks in my life comprises of getting up late, trying to tidy and failing miserably, playing with jess, drinking tea whilst she naps then going to my folks house in the afternoon.  I need to shake it up!!!!

We are heading away with my nieces next week so that will hopefully shake stuff up.  I can see that there could be a future where I am not all alone but I’m not sure what i could offer that person.  I am so down right now and have no energy or vitality left.  I need to find it or I will wake up one day and our lives, mine and Jess’s, will have passed by in a wink.

Two years on

I can’t believe it was two years ago that my life changed and everyone who knows me life changed too. All because one little weakling scaredy cat made a decision. I looked at Jess today and you know, I can’t remember how it felt to be as broken as I was two years ago. I know I was, and I know I couldn’ t fathom how life was going to be. But now two years on I am surviving, making life work and have a happy, healthy, intelligent little girl. 

I still feel betrayed and angry but I have absolutely no regrets. And not even the teensiest inkling of having him in our life. I sometimes wonder if I will ever trust someone again the way I did before. I know that I will never jump into any new relationship, but will I ever eventually have that reckless abandon that comes with falling in love? Will I ever give my heart away? I don’t think I will, and the reason? Because it’s not mine to give away now- a small person holds in their hands. She needs it, she owns it and for now, she controls it. 

Some people might say that’s not a healthy view or that I need to move on, or be happy for myself!! Pah I say to all that!! I am happy, I am in love with my baby. I am still trying to work out my life. 

Sometimes I imagine seeing him in the street, I picture what I would do- first thing I always imagine is shielding Jessica from him- I don’t even want to have a confrontation I just want to stop him breathing the same air as Jess- he doesn’t deserve to be near her or bask in her glow. If I saw him myself I don’t know what I’d do. Prob freeze and all those feelings I’ve hidden for two years would return. I’d hope the anger would be first. I’d love to pour a drink over him or tell whoever he is with just how big a scumbag he is. That would be fun. 

So yeah, 2 years, a lifetime of tears, a heart full of love and both of us are healthy, happy and together. I couldn’t picture this future but I tell you, I’m so happy I have it. 🙂  

 

Another blog

i am part of a single parent group on Facebook, and have found it very helpful.  One of the other mums wanted to hear from working single mums, so I answered her questions and featured on her blog. Here is the link

Heart melts a little…

I asked Jess tonight if she missed me at nursery as she was super cuddly and kept pointing at me and saying ‘mum’

Her response- she nodded her tiny wee head, smiled and said ‘yeah’ 

My heart melted a wee bit. 

Getting dressed

Jessica is fascinated with clothes just now. She spent 20 mins last night putting her shorts on, then taking them off, then on again and off. She now has a top out the washing basket and trying to put it on.  

She stil loves shoes and no pair is free if she is around. It’s hilarious!! 🙂 

Teeth teeth teeth

So I’m guessing jess is teething agin, either that or she is annoyed with something I’ve done. She is being a right little madam today!! 

So for the first time and defo not the last im sure she just answered me back!! I said go out your wellies in the kitchen and the brows came down and she said “NO!” Then proceeded to stomp around living room with the wellies!!