6 weeks in

So its been about five/six weeks since I started medication for anxiety.  How do i feel? Thats a tough  one!! Tired definetly! Able to make decisions – not really.  Aware that I’ve been putting on a front for too long? Tired of pretending ? Yep.  Its so hard you know, getting to the end of each day, feeling fake accomplishment on doing the bare necessity.  My energy goes on Jess, without a doubt.  I hope she doesn’t know and doesn’t remember her mum saying “I’m tired” or ” we’ll do it tomorrow” I hope she remembers the games of snap on the floor, the planting of bulbs, the time spent with her, the cuddles.  She got herself dried and dressed this morning after her shower.  I said “You need to slow down little girl, you soon won’t need me” and she replied “I’ll always need you mummy.” Its so true as well.  I need to get well for her. I need to get well to show her its okay to be ill.

I took her shopping for new trainers last night.  She had the full wall to choose from and she chose The Avengers – super heroes. She did try on a pair of pink sparkly ones but they looked ridiculous.  We left the shop with Avengers trainers, wellies and socks and a superman t-shirt and a Marvel t-shirt.  My daughter loves a superhero.

I have been referred for counselling. I need to talk through the past four years.  I need to understand that although things happen to us that are outwith our control we can claim that control back. We can choose how to behave and I need that to be a default way of life and not an as and when i remember it.  It is hard to constantly be fighting against something.  I need to stand up to work or take the plunge and change jobs.  A decision that still overwhelms me at the moment.

I took some time out over the easter hols.  I stayed with friends, i stayed with my best friend.  I can 100% say that friendship is good for the soul.  Being looked after is good for the soul. Being loved is good for the soul.  I wish my friends didn’t live so far away.  being somewhere where they know what you are going through and they do not push for you to talk, but allow you the space to talk is worth a million pounds.  Where they feed you and organise what you will do – where they do the one thing you struggle with – they make the every day small decisions for you and allow you the time to feel and heal.  That is friendship and I am lucky I have friends that I do.  She know who she is and she is loved.

I’m sitting in a busy coffee shop  I’ve been here for about two hours watching netflix on my laptop.  This is a safe place where I am with people so I need to be presentable but I disappear.  No one queries me,  I can think but not be overwhelmed with my thoughts.  I can see that I am the same as everyone else.  I am not any worse off.

 

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Do we ever really change?? 

I was thinking the other day about changes- how have I changed in two years? Is it for the better? Or worse? Am I nicer, more patient, friendlier, or am I hostile, closed off, or non-trusting? How will I know? 

I must have changed- I doubt very much many people could get knocked like that and remain exactly the same. I do t want to have become a different person though and I fear sometimes that I have.  I need to still be true to myself and Jess needs that from me too. I feel like I’m still wound up in the whole situation in my head that I’m not allowing myself to just be for a wee bit. 

Which is why I am going out on a date, or two, with a man who is outside my comfort zone of being older than me. What have I got to lose? He can’t be worse than a secret crossdresser, or a 30 yr old teenager, or someone who changes the locks on me! I survived all that and I’m still shining. I wondered about doing this because I ‘have a child’ how do I date? What happens? How do I act? Etc etc than I found myself re-reading my Paris journal and discovered that I told myself in 2008, to always live in the now. Don’t worry about the past, don’t fret over tomorrow. Stop, look around, breath. This is the now, you only get it once. So yeah who knows what will happen, who cares? Jess is safe, I am safe and I am living. 🙂 

Growing up

It would appear that Jessica no longer falls asleep in my arms but leaning against my knee. Wish I could stay here till she wakes up. This makes me smile so much. We were lying on my bed watching the end of Midnight in Paris and she leaned back against me and fell asleep. Such a fab Saturday morning. She has had a big growth spurt last couple of weeks, esp her legs. Loads of trousers and leggings are suddenly too wee. 🙂

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Perfection??

A few times I’ve had people, family and friends, say that Jessica is the ‘perfect baby’  They usually follow this with ‘and you don’t know how lucky you are’ 🙂 I usually smile and say thanks.  It got me thinking though about what makes the ‘perfect baby’ I’d like to start by stating that I believe in the eyes of every parent their little cherub is perfect and also that there is no such thing as the ‘perfect baby’ A bit of a contradiction but there goes.

What makes perfection? A baby that sleeps all night? A baby that eats whatever is put in front of them? A baby that doesn’t have crazy tantrums? A baby that doesn’t constantly cry? A baby that is happy to play on their own at times and doesn’t need constant attention?  Its these topics that seem to be inportatn when defining the ‘perfect baby’ and to be fair I can’t argue, going by these  Jessica may well beperfection. She sleeps all night, I’ve never had to use any sleep training.  So far, she has eaten what I give her, she has had some days when she deosn’t eat as much and then others when she eats everything in sight.  She has little tantrums in the house if she doesn’t get her own way but so far nothing major.  She is happy to play away on her own whilst i make dinner or do the chores. She only cries when something is really bothering her, and this stops as soon as I fix the issue.

However I’m not so sure.  She is of course in my eyes a perfect little human being because I am her mum.  I feel overwhelmed and grateful that other people see this, but I am under no illusion. She may wake up one morning and be the terror of the land.  She may decide that she doesn’t like the taste of home cooking anymore.  She may like the sound her crying makes and never stop.  She may even decide that sleep is for losers and she wants to stay awake all night.  All of these things may come to pass and I will deal with them if they do.  🙂

So thank you to all of those that notice the small things.  I can assure you all that I do know I am lucky.  I also know that it is due to all my friends and family and the neverending support that I have round me that I am the mother I am and that Jessica is who she is.

Motherly ramblings

Since we moved I’ve tried to stick to a routine for Jess for nighttime again and its working, she is mostly asleep by 7.30/8, getting either a dream feed at 11.30 or waking around 3 for a bottle then sleeping till 7.30/8.  This is fabulous, it does work best when we are home for dinner at 5/5.30.  It means we can have ‘our’ hour together between 6-7.  I love it, we play all day but that hour already feels  a special hour.  Sometimes i don’t even put the radio on, its just me and Jessica.

I hope that i continue this all her life, the memories i’m making in that hour every day are enough to keep me going through anything. Sometimes i wonder if there are room for more.  Her wee face, the way she climbs on everything.  She brings things to me when I ask her, she tries to put on shoes, she chooses which toys to play with, we sing songs together, she does the actions to most of them now and of course, we read stories.

Its usually during this hour that I look at her and think about life before her.  I can’t actually remember it fully.  I mean, I remember doing things without her and having the freedom and simplicity of leaving the house with only purse, keys and phone.  But what I can’t remember is  not thinking about her, worrying about her, hoping for her.  What did I think about? What thoughts flooded my mind all the time?

Another thing this hour gives me is time to actually marvel at the development taking place before my eyes.  One day she’ll try something, next day a wee bit better then BAM within two days she has it mastered, its forgotten about and she’s moved on to the next adventure.  I can’t believe that a year ago was the day she was due. a year ago she was still happy swimming about inside me, kicking me and rolling about.  i was anxious, excited and fit to burst.  I’m still anxious, excited and luckily a wee bit smaller. She, however, can walk, talk, climb, express herself and eat whole foods.

1 year ago………

Been a while

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve blogged. And a busy few weeks at that. I’ll probably do a few focused blogs on each aspect that has happened over the past weeks, well that’s my plan anyway. So what has been going on? Well…

The referendum- it was a no vote in the end- 55% to 45%. The campaign/yes movement to make this country a better, fairer and happier place goes on though.

Jessica’s party- although not one yet she did have an early joint birthday with her wee pals Murray and Harper. It was a great day. A bit weird as not any of my ‘old’ pals could come so it was just family and my new baby mums. I was busy on the day making sure everyone was okay and cutting the cake with the other two mums, checking Jessica was good. I didn’t really have time to think about anything. Plus, it was a month before her actual birthday so I didn’t have any of the emotional ‘my baby is a year old’ to worry bout. That is still to come. 🙂

We moved house. Yes, finally, we are no longer homeless or just visiting. We have found an affordable two bedrooms house.Across the road from a very good pal. It has a garden with some decking and a nice big driveway. I’m finding to hard to fit all our stuff in at the moment as there isn’t really any built in storage so a lot of stuff is still lying around. Getting there though. It feels like home already.

We are having a wee holiday. I’m at my brothers just now as a friend is getting married. It’s nice to be away from home for a bit and have other people around to entertain the wee one. She loves it, is totally wandering around. Blabbing away. We went to visit my old work today. Didn’t get a chance to see everyone but caught up with some folk. It was nice.

I’ve been offered a job. It’s p/t, starting early nov. I also have an interview for a full time, term time position. More on that later.

Scotland votes: YES or NO

Well tonight is a huge night for Scotland. We were at the polls tonight to answer the question – Should Scotland be an independant country? I voted YES as I believe we should. I believe this for many many reasons and have felt this way for years.  This is no secret. Mostly I voted Yes for Jessica. I am not happy with the way this country has been heading and we are just not enough to make a change at a general election.  This is the only way we can make a change that will benefit jessicas future.

I am sitting right now waiting on the first result coming in.  My nieces are with me, both sound asleep.  I might wake them up to hear the first few results then put them to bed.  i thought it would be nice to have company.  It has been an amazing time in Scotland over the past few weeks.  No matter what the outcome in the morning I do think there is a change in the air, change is a-coming.  How that change will happen I do not know.  Jessica has been wearing her Scotland outfits and flying the flags.  I am so nervous. Snapshot_20140913 (2)

Having fun with friends

Over the past few days I’ve had company in the house.  My good friend Gus of 17 years stayed from Thurs-Sun and it was exactly what I needed.  Jess took to him like she had known him forever and it was so nice to have company.  I was still as busy and kept going all weekend but in a different way.  I cooked delicious, healthy meals whilst someone else entertained my daughter, I sat with another adult in the evening, drinking wine whilst Jess slept soundly upstairs.  It was awesome.  

I watched whilst he played with Jess and got her laughing and giggling.  He pushed her around the house on her wee sit-on train for ages.  I walked in and they were both sat up on the couch reading a book together.  It melted my heart seeing one of my oldest best friends playing with my newest best friend.  It was emotional in a good, positive way.  Both seeing Gus again and seeing Jess play with someone.  

I know that I’ve said I would like help in the house and to finally have that and from a good pal was just as good as I thought it would be.  

So after a great weekend I’m beginning to feel a little sad, sad that I’m back to ‘real’ life with just me and Jess again, sad that Jess is gonna have to entertain herself for a wee while at times and sad that I don’t know when I’ll see my pal again. 🙂 all happy sad. 

 

 

Making ends meet

So in two days I will be officially unemployed.  I will be entitled to claim benefits to help me survive. This has been the topic of conversation with many friends and family over the last few weeks/months.  They all have their own personal opinions and feelings of benefits and work.  I kinda don’t really have any.  I’m still not really believing that this is my life now.  That I am even contemplating claiming benefits.  It makes me so mad at him.  Madder than ever actually.  

The house is, fingers crossed, selling and I went to see about housing.  HA HA!! first off all there was a notice in the very open plan waiting area that said ‘do you want to avoid crystal meth’ I couldn’t help but ask myself Why was I there? What had my life become? It wasn’t until the advisor guy told me that a certain scheme in my home town ‘wasn’t that bad’ and was most likely where they would house me should I become homeless that I really thought someone up there was having a joke.  I almost broke down in tears in the car, but I managed to hold it in.  It’s like this is all happening to someone else.  I have a great life just now with Jess and with friends, old and new and having family close by.  if I break down now all that might crash around me and then where would I be? Jess needs me to be strong, have faith that we will continue our good full life.   

I’m not stupid, I’ve been saving where I can and buying the big things I need when I’ve had the money so there shouldn’t be any huge outlay coming my way.  I’m okay for another couple of months but after that I have no idea.  I’m applying for jobs and in fact got offered one but it really wasn’t worth it and since I don’t know where I’m gonna be living couldn’t take it, organise childcare then possibly leave it, if everything fell through.  There is just too many variables going on just now for me to get a good clear picture of what my future will be like, therefore I can’t visualise it or get stressed about it.  

I shall continue to apply for part time work, apply for benefits when I can and take each day one at a time.  Ends will meet where they meet, my faith will see to that. 

 

Baby Friends

 

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When I was pregnant I was a bit dubious about meeting all these ‘other new mums’ and making friends simplay because we have babies the same age.  i though I have enough friends in my life and family are really close.  i didn’t need anyone new,,,,,then,,,,

,,,,a good friend recommended I make friends with the mums in antenatal classes or groups I go to.  her exact words, I think, were ‘you need those new mums, you need someone else in the throws of newmumness’  I still wasn’t convinced……then…

….antenatal classes; we were not the most chatty of women and all of them had thier partners and i just wasn’t in the place to open chatter…. then…

… the planets aligned and another new mum spoke to me and Baby Sensory and we went for a coffee and now I feel I have made some really good ‘mum’ friends. 🙂

So good in fact that I wish I had met them all before, when I was in the throws of early ‘newmumness’ It would have been good to have had a group of folk to hit all the crappy breastfeeding issues and thrush issues off of.  I’m not saying that my friends who were around werent’ good, they were fab. I also know why I didn’t meet them at the time as I wasn’t really in the place to start new friendships. We have all met at the right time.  🙂

And my pal is right: you do need other people going through the same thing, Only they understand the feelings.  I am really lucky that they are all nice and friendly and not competitive or boastful.  All babies are similar in age but are very different, some are crawling, some are not, some have teeth, some don’t, some are eating with their fingers, some are still refusing lumps.  I love it. 🙂

I hope I am much more open to having new people in my life.  Even if some of these friends are only in my life for a short time, they are all needed and I am grateful for them all.