July is here!!

Hey, Well its been a good few months since I last posted.  I’ve not been back at work as doc signed me off for another six weeks which took me to the end of term.  I’ve been in touch with work and will be back in August.  I’ve been to 4 out of the 6 sessions of counselling and they have been great.  Really got me being aware of my thoughts and how they have been affecting every aspect of my life. Some sessions have been quite intense and have left me tired, which is a good thing. No point in going if I don’t do the work, right?

So the good news is that I am feeling and acting way better than I was.  I am in such a good place now.  Its brighter and not so low. I know that people do like me and want me around and I am changing the filter for my thoughts to be more positive.  I have had a few days where I’ve had big breakthroughs. I’ve been driving home from family time or days out and realised that I didn’t have any negative thoughts all day.  I was in the moment and really enjoyed myself.  I realised then just how bad I had become.  I used to always think that people didn’t want me around. I would be paranoid that I wasn’t liked, or wanted and people were just putting up with me, this would make me withdrawn internally and hating being where I was but without any real reason or proof that this was the case.  I’d hide these feelings and paint on a smile going through the motions until I was home then I would feel rotten and worthless.  A phrase the counsellor has identified that I said a lot was ‘I have no worth’ We are working together to change that, and I’m aware that this will probably be a lifelong change we are working on.

Jess is amazing. She is the one thing I know I am doing right.  She is learning her letters and keeps asking ‘What is for …….?’ meaning what letter does the word start with. I’ve had her spelling bed and dog and cat as well.  Going to have her working on her wee learning books over the summer before she goes back to nursery in August.  She will defo be ready for P1 next year.  We went away for a few days up north to have some proper time to chill and relax.  It was amazing.  I read three books and reminded myself how easy life can be when there is no stress added to it.

My challenge to myself over the summer is to try and bring that feeling back to my day to day life.  Let things go and have no pressure.  I will take that to work too and do what I can whilst at work and leave it there when I finish.  Not bring that stress home with me.  It doesn’t belong here.

Oh i got some news about him the other day.  He has changed jobs which mean his earnings are lower so the maintenance is going to drop by about £70 a month.  I know before that would have affected me greatly I would have spiralled down internally into hating him all over again and being annoyed at how his actions still affect me and J’s life. Truth be told I didn’t do that.  I was annoyed for a wee while then got over it.  Yes it affects me and I’ll need to re-do my budgeting, which is a bit of a blow, but it has no bearing on me as a person or mother.

I hope in the next few weeks I continue to improve and stay living in the moment, whether it a a sun filled smiley moment or a rain covered cuddly moment.



Road trips, elections and swimming.

Last weekend me and Jess went on a little road trip to Liverpool.  We went to stay with a old school pal of mine.  It was bliss.  The road down took 5.5 hours because we stopped twice, once for me to pee and then again to chance Jess.  She never slept on the way down at all and only cried when she dropped Teddy.  It was good fun, a bit of a boring road driving down the M6 but easy.  If i had petrol money I would do it once a month.  Seeing my pal was great, it reminds me of the true definition of friendship and family as she welcomed me in and we just click like we did when we were 6.  I felt truly relaxed, more than i have for a long time.  Jess loved all the attention and chased her new wee pal K around the place all the time.  K is 3 months younger and just on his feet.  They made quite the pair.  She didn’t like going to sleep in the travel cot and cried for a while at night going to sleep, but she stayed sleeping and was as good as gold.  Mini meltdowns did occur as she tried to assert her authority and demand a few things,  but she quickly learnt I was having none of it and got back up to play.

Her mini meltdowns make me laugh,  She generally throws herself down and kicks her wee feet whilst crying (beginning to add ‘mummy’ to the cry)  As long as she is safe I ignore it and they last about 40 seconds.  HaHa.   I always try and see things from her point of view and work out if what she is asking is reasonable or not, usually its not.  Like today I took her water cup off her as she was tipping the water out and wiping it everywhere.  She did not like this.  but i just hid the water cup, wiped up the water and gave her another toy to play with, the game was quickly forgotten.

It was so good to have adult company all weekend, to have other people to watch Jess and entertain her, to chat about life and motherhood and sit in silence and mostly it was good to not be alone.

She got her first stranger kiss when we were down in liverpool.  A wee boy followed her out the play bit at soft play and hugged and kissed her, she just stood there sucking her thumb, looking kinda dumbfounded, poor wee lad.  she was fine though it did make me wonder about that side of her personality.  Will she alwyas stand and let people hug her or will she walk away?  I wonder if I will revisit thia in 15 years or so and say there Jess that was when I noticed how nice you were?

The general election was last week and SNP sent 56/59 MP’s to Westminster.  I knew that Scotland and Scottish people were engaged in politics but I did not realise they were that disappointed with Labour.  Time will tell how much input they will have and how much of an impact they will have.  I’m not sure it will be huge, Tories are in for another 5 years of cuts cuts and more cuts.

We went swimming when i was down in Liverpool and Jess was not really that impressed.  To be fair I didn’t reallyy know what t do with her in the water.  She started to shiver and chitter and laughed a bit but clung to me like a wee monkey. So, when i get home i called up the council and we found a space on a parent and child swim course,  7 weeks of a 10 week course and we had her first lesson last week.  She loved it.  wore little arm bands and floated away. absolutely great fun.  lots of splashes and lots of giggles.  Plus i know now what to do with her when i take her myself.

The other day my mum said that she looked like her dad.  it was the first time she had seen him in her.  it went quickly and she looked like herself again. I told my mum of course he is there.  They share dna.  It saddens me because it reminds me of something that she will never have.  It angers me because it reminds me i will never be free of being reminded of how hurtful humans can be.  I wonder about the future, about the conversations we will no doubt have.  I wonder about a time when i will see her look like him and feel nothing.  When all the pain and doubt will be gone.

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Baby Friends



When I was pregnant I was a bit dubious about meeting all these ‘other new mums’ and making friends simplay because we have babies the same age.  i though I have enough friends in my life and family are really close.  i didn’t need anyone new,,,,,then,,,,

,,,,a good friend recommended I make friends with the mums in antenatal classes or groups I go to.  her exact words, I think, were ‘you need those new mums, you need someone else in the throws of newmumness’  I still wasn’t convinced……then…

….antenatal classes; we were not the most chatty of women and all of them had thier partners and i just wasn’t in the place to open chatter…. then…

… the planets aligned and another new mum spoke to me and Baby Sensory and we went for a coffee and now I feel I have made some really good ‘mum’ friends. 🙂

So good in fact that I wish I had met them all before, when I was in the throws of early ‘newmumness’ It would have been good to have had a group of folk to hit all the crappy breastfeeding issues and thrush issues off of.  I’m not saying that my friends who were around werent’ good, they were fab. I also know why I didn’t meet them at the time as I wasn’t really in the place to start new friendships. We have all met at the right time.  🙂

And my pal is right: you do need other people going through the same thing, Only they understand the feelings.  I am really lucky that they are all nice and friendly and not competitive or boastful.  All babies are similar in age but are very different, some are crawling, some are not, some have teeth, some don’t, some are eating with their fingers, some are still refusing lumps.  I love it. 🙂

I hope I am much more open to having new people in my life.  Even if some of these friends are only in my life for a short time, they are all needed and I am grateful for them all.

Moving, cowboys and raising money

Yep, she has mastered the commando crawl and tries to get on her knees but mainly uses her toes and elbows. It is great fun to watch her figure this whole moving business. She follows me into the kitchen now, I’m just waiting on her to appear at the bathroom door. 🙂 she is copying loads now too and can wave bye bye and blow raspberries. Although it’s not that much fun when the raspberry being blown is full of bits of weetabix!!!

Today we raised money for Tommys charity which helps mums deal with the loss of still births, at baby sensory. She was dressed up as a cowgirl, the first costume I’ve made for her. She was very cute:


I love going to classes with her. We go to sensory and jo jingles. Sensory is great for ideas of things to do at home and she just loves jingles. It’s all about music and Kerry the woman who runs it is fab! Jessica has reached a few milestones after that class, like sitting up unaided for long periods of time and crawling and playing with instruments.

What we get up to.

Thought it was time for a wee up to date routine of Peanuts. So here we go…..

….. If we were to be in the house all day this is what it would look like

7.30am- wake up and have a chat with panda and Becky bunny, hitch up to the top of my cot and try and eat Jessica ted

8.30 am- give mum a shout.

8.30-9am- mum arrives, we smile, check the weather, she then washes my face(ick) dresses me in some cool outfit and then we head downstairs. Some days she is all dressed with long lashes and some days she is still in her pjs.

9-9.30am- I listen to Chris Evans and play with a few wee toys sitting in my high chair. I keep a close eye on mum as she dances around crazily and makes up my breakie (creamy porridge). Sometimes she thinks it’s okay to make herself a mug of something but I quickly remind her who is the boss.

9.30am- have a snuggle on sofa watching Jeremy Kyle and drink my bottle.

10am-11am- I play, on the floor or in my jumperoo, which I love. Sometimes we sing songs and dance.

11am- I start getting tired about now and mum is soooo nice to me that she takes me back up to see panda and Becky and we have a wee nap.

12pm- I wake up and mum is there. I’ve missed her loads so I give her big smiles and hugs. We go back downstairs and I sit in my big chair at the table again.

12.30pm- time for food and this time it’s something new and tasty then a bottle on the sofa again, I don’t always finish this bottle, a wee drink is all I need.

1.30-4.30- some days we chill out and lie on mums bed, other days I lie on my play mat with all my toys. If it’s not too wet or windy outside mum puts me in my buggy and we go for a walk. I love being outside and watching everything. If mum is cooking I go and sit on the counter and help her. I like the smell of lemon and garlic, but not fussed with cookies or hot cross buns. Some days I have a wee nap, other days it’s just too exciting so I don’t. We often go and visit gran and pops.

4.30-5pm it’s food time again and I always get something Savoury here. My favourite is carrot but I’m getting to like feeding myself with squashy foods. I also have a bottle but sometimes I don’t drink it all.

5pm- if I missed my nap earlier I zonk out here. But usually I entertain myself whilst mum has something to eat.

6-7pm I think this is my mums favourite hour. The TV is always off and there is music playing and we sing and dance and roll and I am always surrounded by toys that make noise when I hit them against things. I like sitting up against mummy’s leg and hitting her knee with a wooden spoon, but it does tire me out and I start to get unsettled.

7-7.15- this is a good time because mum takes my nappy off and I wriggle about upstairs watching a Pooh Bear lightshow.

7.15- ahhh the big bath! I love it, splish splashing about. Then I get wrapped up in a big fluffy warm towel and have cuddles with mum. And she massages my legs and belly and says I’m tickly under my chin, which always makes me giggle.

7.30-8 after that massage, I’m knackered and I’m happy that mum takes me to her big bed and gives me my bottle there, because she’s all comfy and gives big cuddles, she also always has a book to read to me and the pictures are fab. Last thing I remember before sleeping is the song she songs about a boat, a hushabye mountain and a forest of dreams. Although sometimes I’m just not ready to fall asleep on mummy and these nights she knows and puts me in my sleeping bag and takes me through to my own room. I give panda’s ear a chew and listen to my music whilst watching another light show on the ceiling. I fall asleep before the music stops. Zzzzz

And that would be Peanuts life if we don’t go out and about. 🙂 but we do:
Monday- baby sensory at ayr at 11.30
Tuesday- tots Praise in kille at 10.15
Thursday – jo jingles at 11.30 in ayr
Friday, Sat, Sun – plan less days!!! 🙂

Even when out and about I try my hardest to keep to her timings for eating and that ever elusive afternoon nap. 🙂


Wedding bells

Today two of my good friends got married. They have a wee girl of about three, and have been together for fifteen years. It was lovely, such a laid back wedding focused on the main thing- their love and respect and admiration for each other. I loved it. Everything a wedding should be.

Jess was great. I had no trouble with her at all. She ate, had a snooze and charmed everyone there. I got loads of compliments from folk saying she was such a good baby, so content and they were all amazed. I am so proud of her and of myself. I had my plan for the day, sticking to her routine as much as I could
and it worked out. This is the way we work. Our little team. We can do weddings. I know it’ll get harder as she gets older and more mobile, but I’m sure we will cope well. 🙂

Congrats to S & I. We had a ball.


On my own

Well yesterday was a day of firsts for me. The first day I went to Glasgow on my own, as a mum. The first haircut as a mum. The first underwire bra purchased as a mum and the first time I, as a mum chose to leave my bundle of fun at home with gran whilst I had a day to myself. It was weird in a good way. A mixture of feelings and emotions, none of which really took over. I was happy to be trying to discover who I am now, happy to shop without having to stop to feed Jess, to have that freedom. I missed her lots and wondered what she was up to but since I was used to her being with my folks I didn’t worry about her. I got a new hairstyle and bought myself a new outfit. Clothes shopping was awful on Thursday, nothing fitted and I was getting stressed, however I think a new haircut cheered me up and slimmed me down. Jeans fit and I found a lovely red flowery top. Plus new bras always helped. Or then again maybe it was the fact the woman who measured me was impressed that I had lost weight.

Today I was back in Glasgow for my pals hen night. Plate painting then cocktails. I left after that to get train home whilst the rest are off for dinner then karaoke. It was great, again kinda weird trying to work out who I am now. I’m not the same as before. I am a mum, but what can I chat about? Babies, Jess, surgery? That’s been my life for the past few weeks, I feel I need to work at figuring out mea wee bit. The only way I can do that is getting back out there. Making friends and doing things. It’ll help driving again. I’m sure of it.

Two days without her. I miss her wee face. Mum and dad are having loads of fun with her. She has been giggling and laughing all day. I’m glad she’s happy and even though she’s been a bit more clingy I’m glad that she can still be settled and comforted by my folks. I’m not sure I’m ready to leave her with anyone else yet.

Baby Sensory

Another class we have started is baby Sensory. Signed up for 10 sessions, it’s in Glasgow and we go on a Wednesday. The first one was great fun, they use baby sign too which I’m going to use with Jess. Was good talking to other mums and seeing mother babies. All babies are different and I try so hard not to compare or if I do compare it’s not in a way that puts down any baby. Just in a nosy out of interest kinda way.

Baby sensory was good, we sang songs and danced and got to touch and play with different things.

Books, stories, bugs oh my!!

Today was our first Bookbug session. It was fun, just some folk round a circle singing songs and listening to a story. There was also some time with a huge sheet of Lycra that the kids stretched. Jess stayed awake through it all and had a quick 15 min cat nap after it. 🙂 I loved being in a library again, we both borrowed books. I’m impressed that the first membership card she has is for the library.

It is so true that books play an important part in kids development. It’s amazing watching Jess look at books, her eyes follow first one page then the other, and I’m sure through time she will understand pages turning, if she doesn’t already. We have been having a story every night for weeks now and I’m going to start introducing them during the day so she knows it’s not just a night thing.

I love that bookbug sign traditional Scottish rhymes, and it’s so down to earth and come as you are. Def going back.

Out and about with bottles

So yesterday was our first day out and about without breast feeding. It went okay, I felt like I was having a flitting before we left though with the amount of stuff I packed but I’m guessing it’ll get easier in time. 🙂

We went our first walk round Culzean with my sis, bro and nieces. It was great fun. Not the clearest or warmest day but we wrapped up warm and away we went. Ended up having dinner out too which was great. Went to a nice place in Doonfoot, which was child friendly and food was Delish.

Since I knew I would be out all day I had to take a lot with me like:

2 cloth nappies and 3 sposies, i need to find out how others have days out with cloth- they are quite bulky in the bag, esp when all pooped on but sandwich bags from ikea are great to hold dirty ones, keep smell inside. 🙂

2 changes of clothes, just in case.

Another bag for food- I’m not sure about the do’s and donts of formula so here’s what we had- a thermos of just boiled water, a tub with three measured out portions of formula for 6oz bottles, three sterilised bottles, (taken straight out of solution, teat in, lid on, screwed together then placed in sealed bag) and hand breast pump also out of solution and in a sealed bag. Seems like loads but turns out I needed all of it, bar one bottle but used it straight away when I came home. Once I’m done with the pumping I’ll no longer need the breast pump either.

Was a good, easy, well supported practice run for when I go out and about on my own. I got a little anxious about how much she’d had to eat, but she let us know if she was hungry and she was great, didn’t throw any hissy fits or anything. She was awake most of the day, including when my meal was served but just popped her in the car seat where she giggled away. 🙂