Last weekend me and Jess went on a little road trip to Liverpool. We went to stay with a old school pal of mine. It was bliss. The road down took 5.5 hours because we stopped twice, once for me to pee and then again to chance Jess. She never slept on the way down at all and only cried when she dropped Teddy. It was good fun, a bit of a boring road driving down the M6 but easy. If i had petrol money I would do it once a month. Seeing my pal was great, it reminds me of the true definition of friendship and family as she welcomed me in and we just click like we did when we were 6. I felt truly relaxed, more than i have for a long time. Jess loved all the attention and chased her new wee pal K around the place all the time. K is 3 months younger and just on his feet. They made quite the pair. She didn’t like going to sleep in the travel cot and cried for a while at night going to sleep, but she stayed sleeping and was as good as gold. Mini meltdowns did occur as she tried to assert her authority and demand a few things, but she quickly learnt I was having none of it and got back up to play.
Her mini meltdowns make me laugh, She generally throws herself down and kicks her wee feet whilst crying (beginning to add ‘mummy’ to the cry) As long as she is safe I ignore it and they last about 40 seconds. HaHa. I always try and see things from her point of view and work out if what she is asking is reasonable or not, usually its not. Like today I took her water cup off her as she was tipping the water out and wiping it everywhere. She did not like this. but i just hid the water cup, wiped up the water and gave her another toy to play with, the game was quickly forgotten.
It was so good to have adult company all weekend, to have other people to watch Jess and entertain her, to chat about life and motherhood and sit in silence and mostly it was good to not be alone.
She got her first stranger kiss when we were down in liverpool. A wee boy followed her out the play bit at soft play and hugged and kissed her, she just stood there sucking her thumb, looking kinda dumbfounded, poor wee lad. she was fine though it did make me wonder about that side of her personality. Will she alwyas stand and let people hug her or will she walk away? I wonder if I will revisit thia in 15 years or so and say there Jess that was when I noticed how nice you were?
The general election was last week and SNP sent 56/59 MP’s to Westminster. I knew that Scotland and Scottish people were engaged in politics but I did not realise they were that disappointed with Labour. Time will tell how much input they will have and how much of an impact they will have. I’m not sure it will be huge, Tories are in for another 5 years of cuts cuts and more cuts.
We went swimming when i was down in Liverpool and Jess was not really that impressed. To be fair I didn’t reallyy know what t do with her in the water. She started to shiver and chitter and laughed a bit but clung to me like a wee monkey. So, when i get home i called up the council and we found a space on a parent and child swim course, 7 weeks of a 10 week course and we had her first lesson last week. She loved it. wore little arm bands and floated away. absolutely great fun. lots of splashes and lots of giggles. Plus i know now what to do with her when i take her myself.
The other day my mum said that she looked like her dad. it was the first time she had seen him in her. it went quickly and she looked like herself again. I told my mum of course he is there. They share dna. It saddens me because it reminds me of something that she will never have. It angers me because it reminds me i will never be free of being reminded of how hurtful humans can be. I wonder about the future, about the conversations we will no doubt have. I wonder about a time when i will see her look like him and feel nothing. When all the pain and doubt will be gone.