Hey, Well its been a good few months since I last posted. I’ve not been back at work as doc signed me off for another six weeks which took me to the end of term. I’ve been in touch with work and will be back in August. I’ve been to 4 out of the 6 sessions of counselling and they have been great. Really got me being aware of my thoughts and how they have been affecting every aspect of my life. Some sessions have been quite intense and have left me tired, which is a good thing. No point in going if I don’t do the work, right?
So the good news is that I am feeling and acting way better than I was. I am in such a good place now. Its brighter and not so low. I know that people do like me and want me around and I am changing the filter for my thoughts to be more positive. I have had a few days where I’ve had big breakthroughs. I’ve been driving home from family time or days out and realised that I didn’t have any negative thoughts all day. I was in the moment and really enjoyed myself. I realised then just how bad I had become. I used to always think that people didn’t want me around. I would be paranoid that I wasn’t liked, or wanted and people were just putting up with me, this would make me withdrawn internally and hating being where I was but without any real reason or proof that this was the case. I’d hide these feelings and paint on a smile going through the motions until I was home then I would feel rotten and worthless. A phrase the counsellor has identified that I said a lot was ‘I have no worth’ We are working together to change that, and I’m aware that this will probably be a lifelong change we are working on.
Jess is amazing. She is the one thing I know I am doing right. She is learning her letters and keeps asking ‘What is for …….?’ meaning what letter does the word start with. I’ve had her spelling bed and dog and cat as well. Going to have her working on her wee learning books over the summer before she goes back to nursery in August. She will defo be ready for P1 next year. We went away for a few days up north to have some proper time to chill and relax. It was amazing. I read three books and reminded myself how easy life can be when there is no stress added to it.
My challenge to myself over the summer is to try and bring that feeling back to my day to day life. Let things go and have no pressure. I will take that to work too and do what I can whilst at work and leave it there when I finish. Not bring that stress home with me. It doesn’t belong here.
Oh i got some news about him the other day. He has changed jobs which mean his earnings are lower so the maintenance is going to drop by about £70 a month. I know before that would have affected me greatly I would have spiralled down internally into hating him all over again and being annoyed at how his actions still affect me and J’s life. Truth be told I didn’t do that. I was annoyed for a wee while then got over it. Yes it affects me and I’ll need to re-do my budgeting, which is a bit of a blow, but it has no bearing on me as a person or mother.
I hope in the next few weeks I continue to improve and stay living in the moment, whether it a a sun filled smiley moment or a rain covered cuddly moment.
So its been about five/six weeks since I started medication for anxiety. How do i feel? Thats a tough one!! Tired definetly! Able to make decisions – not really. Aware that I’ve been putting on a front for too long? Tired of pretending ? Yep. Its so hard you know, getting to the end of each day, feeling fake accomplishment on doing the bare necessity. My energy goes on Jess, without a doubt. I hope she doesn’t know and doesn’t remember her mum saying “I’m tired” or ” we’ll do it tomorrow” I hope she remembers the games of snap on the floor, the planting of bulbs, the time spent with her, the cuddles. She got herself dried and dressed this morning after her shower. I said “You need to slow down little girl, you soon won’t need me” and she replied “I’ll always need you mummy.” Its so true as well. I need to get well for her. I need to get well to show her its okay to be ill.
I took her shopping for new trainers last night. She had the full wall to choose from and she chose The Avengers – super heroes. She did try on a pair of pink sparkly ones but they looked ridiculous. We left the shop with Avengers trainers, wellies and socks and a superman t-shirt and a Marvel t-shirt. My daughter loves a superhero.
I have been referred for counselling. I need to talk through the past four years. I need to understand that although things happen to us that are outwith our control we can claim that control back. We can choose how to behave and I need that to be a default way of life and not an as and when i remember it. It is hard to constantly be fighting against something. I need to stand up to work or take the plunge and change jobs. A decision that still overwhelms me at the moment.
I took some time out over the easter hols. I stayed with friends, i stayed with my best friend. I can 100% say that friendship is good for the soul. Being looked after is good for the soul. Being loved is good for the soul. I wish my friends didn’t live so far away. being somewhere where they know what you are going through and they do not push for you to talk, but allow you the space to talk is worth a million pounds. Where they feed you and organise what you will do – where they do the one thing you struggle with – they make the every day small decisions for you and allow you the time to feel and heal. That is friendship and I am lucky I have friends that I do. She know who she is and she is loved.
I’m sitting in a busy coffee shop I’ve been here for about two hours watching netflix on my laptop. This is a safe place where I am with people so I need to be presentable but I disappear. No one queries me, I can think but not be overwhelmed with my thoughts. I can see that I am the same as everyone else. I am not any worse off.
Yep its official March is here and the lambs are in the fields. Spring is just around the corner, although it was snowing the other day and roads were closed. IS the saying March come in like a lamb and out like a lion? or the other way about? it’s definitely still cold enough to be in the grip of winter, even though we have seen a few warmer days.
How is life? Well, I’m off work just now with anxiety and have started a course of anti-depressants. How do i feel about this? Well….A few years ago I hurt my ankle, I went to A&E and accepted painkillers without asking too many questions, I trusted the doc. I got a cast, crutches, a moon boot and signed off work. I would get better. Three years ago I was rushed to A&E again, with abdominal pain, I accepted IV drips, saline, antibiotics, painkillers, morphine, I even signed to allow docs to go in a possibly remove all my reproductive organs. My daughter had to go live with my parents for about 6 weeks. I would get better. Last week I went to the docs and got offered pills to help my anxiety and I faltered, I questioned, I worried if they were the right thing to do. I am not coping, I am not happy, I am anxious. Why would I not trust the doctor this time with my mind? I signed away my body easily enough as I could feel the pain, it was obvious, I was in hospital. Why when I can see the symptoms of anxiety are I not willingly accepting the help? I am scared of what others will think! that is it! no other reason and you know what. I shouldn’t be! No-one thinks any less of you when a cyst grows on your ovary and you need it removed under medicine so why should they think less of you when a darkness affects your mind and you need some medicine too help focus on the light again?
I’m trying. I’m taking time to focus on me. To sit in coffee shops in the hustle and remind myself that life goes on. I know I am a good mum. I hope that I shield Jess from my darkness and she only remembers the light that was in her early life. The cuddles, the time, not the lazy days and the weekends where we don’t leave the house. She thinks these are great as she gets to have a jammy day and a bath with mum.
Yes I want this year to be a year of change but I want to be strong enough to make those changes and to decide on my future rather than let the future be dictated to me. I first need to calm my mind.