6 weeks in

So its been about five/six weeks since I started medication for anxiety.  How do i feel? Thats a tough  one!! Tired definetly! Able to make decisions – not really.  Aware that I’ve been putting on a front for too long? Tired of pretending ? Yep.  Its so hard you know, getting to the end of each day, feeling fake accomplishment on doing the bare necessity.  My energy goes on Jess, without a doubt.  I hope she doesn’t know and doesn’t remember her mum saying “I’m tired” or ” we’ll do it tomorrow” I hope she remembers the games of snap on the floor, the planting of bulbs, the time spent with her, the cuddles.  She got herself dried and dressed this morning after her shower.  I said “You need to slow down little girl, you soon won’t need me” and she replied “I’ll always need you mummy.” Its so true as well.  I need to get well for her. I need to get well to show her its okay to be ill.

I took her shopping for new trainers last night.  She had the full wall to choose from and she chose The Avengers – super heroes. She did try on a pair of pink sparkly ones but they looked ridiculous.  We left the shop with Avengers trainers, wellies and socks and a superman t-shirt and a Marvel t-shirt.  My daughter loves a superhero.

I have been referred for counselling. I need to talk through the past four years.  I need to understand that although things happen to us that are outwith our control we can claim that control back. We can choose how to behave and I need that to be a default way of life and not an as and when i remember it.  It is hard to constantly be fighting against something.  I need to stand up to work or take the plunge and change jobs.  A decision that still overwhelms me at the moment.

I took some time out over the easter hols.  I stayed with friends, i stayed with my best friend.  I can 100% say that friendship is good for the soul.  Being looked after is good for the soul. Being loved is good for the soul.  I wish my friends didn’t live so far away.  being somewhere where they know what you are going through and they do not push for you to talk, but allow you the space to talk is worth a million pounds.  Where they feed you and organise what you will do – where they do the one thing you struggle with – they make the every day small decisions for you and allow you the time to feel and heal.  That is friendship and I am lucky I have friends that I do.  She know who she is and she is loved.

I’m sitting in a busy coffee shop  I’ve been here for about two hours watching netflix on my laptop.  This is a safe place where I am with people so I need to be presentable but I disappear.  No one queries me,  I can think but not be overwhelmed with my thoughts.  I can see that I am the same as everyone else.  I am not any worse off.

 

I’ve contemplated closing this blog down this past year many times.  Or getting it all printed out as a book to give to Jess on her 18th or something like that.  I’m not sure yet what to do.  This is out story, well its the beginning of our story, where it all began.  Yet, so much has happened in the past year that I haven’t documented, or added to the story.  Why??

Well one reason is because I didn’t want to be a moaner and every time I came close to posting something it was a moan: about work, about life, about doing it on my own, about how hard it all is, about how lonely I am, about how very few understand, about how I’ve needed therapy, about how unsupported I feel from my family. Every time I was going to post was to acknowledge these more darker moments.  This is not to say the past year has been negative because it hasn’t.  We have had some ace times and some truly great memories are stored in my head.  The summer was fabulous and I spent lots of time doing stuff with just Jess.  My brother got married, I had a few good girlie days, even a spa treat, yet I guess that 2016 was not the best year of this parenting journey.  i just hope that I managed to hide it all from Jess and give her a great year.

So.. what f0r 2017.  Well I am going to make changes.  I hope to move or change job completely and move further afield.  There really is nothing keeping me where i am apart from a fantastic landlord and affordable rent…..

I need to give my finances an overhaul again, just a sit down and re-assess type of thing.  And last but not least I need to give myself an overhaul.. I need to re-look at all my therapy paperwork and remind myself of coping mechanisms.  I need to shift some of this 2016 fat that has appeared all over my body and i need to do it on my own without gym or PT (see finances note above) I might even start a new blog about weight loss.

Jess update:

OMG I don’t know where to begin.  She is amazing, she is gentle and a sensitive soul.  Where did 3 come from??? Has it really been 3 years she’s been in my life? Her vocabulary is out of this world, she listens to everything and takes it all in, is super polite and to be fair we didn’t really have the terrible twos.  A few wee mini meltdowns was it.  However when she turned three it was as if someone switched a switch and we are learning together that tantrums don’t get you what you want.  I’m being firm and fair.  She always comes and apologises after one on her own time.

I’m enjoying watching her play on her own with the toys she got for Christmas as a lot of them are wee people for imaginative play.  Its great fun hearing her with them.

She has chicken pox just now and boy is it awful…No-one really speaks about how awful childhood is for mums.  I know its because a week is a tiny time in a child’s life and they are not really in that much danger, not like a child in hospital or anything but gosh is it hard work on your own. She has been grand, no complaints during the day and jumping everywhere.  Been great at not scratching and asking for cream, however at night she is a different animal.  She has been really unsettled and crying, wanting to be near me but not cuddled, awake and moaning but can’t really tell me what is sore.. its been a shame and hard work but we have got through it together. I’ve done nothing all week apart from the most important job – be her mum.  I’ve sat with her all week, managing a quick shower when my folks came over for a visit.  At times I’ve felt like rubbish just because there really is no-one to talk to.  its the loneliness that is the worst.  I’ve got a great group on facebook that  I can vent to and they are super supportive and understanding as they are all in the same boat.

So there may or may not be another post on here.  time will tell.  I do think that this helped my mental health as I started to lose control when I stopped posting as often.. it was like I didn’t have any way to get out all the feelings.

better sign off as she is climbing over me – I think I’ve had enough time to myself – she demands to be played with. 🙂

 

 

Christmas!!!! 

We put up the tree tonight. And danced, together for the first time ever!! I was holding Jess and she said “down.” Then took both my hands and started to swing her hips. I melted, and laughed, and smiled and thought this is it!! This is what being a parent, a mother is. It’s these small moments of allowing myself to be in the moment and enjoy it. I’ve not been able to do that for a long time. So glad I’m doing it now. 

The tree is up! We are singing jingle bells. We are loving each other. I am climbing out my black hole and going to really enjoy this holiday. Smile real smiles that reach my eyes and touch my heart. That’s my plan.    

    
 

Someone missing mummy

so we had another night here of Jessica refusing to sleep. I did the usual bedtime routine, at the usual time and she just shouted on me. Came into bed with me and got all comfy and watched a bit of Atonement , played for a bit, chatted for ages, giggled a while and eventually after 10.30 fell asleep. I fell asleep also and woke up at half twelve. I’ve popped her back into her cot, got some work done and now going to sleep too, it’s after half one!! 

This is getting more common now so I’m maybe going to have to speak to nursery and see if we can reduce her nap to an hour? Or maybe I just need to not get anything done between her coming home and bedtime, but that defo won’t work in the winter…. Hey ho, just need to go with it. 

I had to remind myself today that she is my job and she should come before anything else.  If she is shouting for me, there is a reason and I should respond. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned and believe me if there was someone in the house who could have comforted me and cuddled me till I drifted off i’d sure have called for them too. 🙂 

  

Two years on

I can’t believe it was two years ago that my life changed and everyone who knows me life changed too. All because one little weakling scaredy cat made a decision. I looked at Jess today and you know, I can’t remember how it felt to be as broken as I was two years ago. I know I was, and I know I couldn’ t fathom how life was going to be. But now two years on I am surviving, making life work and have a happy, healthy, intelligent little girl. 

I still feel betrayed and angry but I have absolutely no regrets. And not even the teensiest inkling of having him in our life. I sometimes wonder if I will ever trust someone again the way I did before. I know that I will never jump into any new relationship, but will I ever eventually have that reckless abandon that comes with falling in love? Will I ever give my heart away? I don’t think I will, and the reason? Because it’s not mine to give away now- a small person holds in their hands. She needs it, she owns it and for now, she controls it. 

Some people might say that’s not a healthy view or that I need to move on, or be happy for myself!! Pah I say to all that!! I am happy, I am in love with my baby. I am still trying to work out my life. 

Sometimes I imagine seeing him in the street, I picture what I would do- first thing I always imagine is shielding Jessica from him- I don’t even want to have a confrontation I just want to stop him breathing the same air as Jess- he doesn’t deserve to be near her or bask in her glow. If I saw him myself I don’t know what I’d do. Prob freeze and all those feelings I’ve hidden for two years would return. I’d hope the anger would be first. I’d love to pour a drink over him or tell whoever he is with just how big a scumbag he is. That would be fun. 

So yeah, 2 years, a lifetime of tears, a heart full of love and both of us are healthy, happy and together. I couldn’t picture this future but I tell you, I’m so happy I have it. 🙂  

 

Making memories

Back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks holiday and I’m starting to feel anxious and slightly panicky. Not so much about work, although it will be extremely busy next couple of days, I know work will get done. I’m anxious about the holidays- have I done enough? Did I make enough memories? 

I am very aware that for the next few weeks it will be full on busy and work routine means there is little time for jess time. I can’t remember the first week of the holidays so how can I have made enough of the two weeks? I know she won’t remember exact days but I need to do that so I can tell her when she is older. I painted her room, and we had the girls over and she amazes me every day but still….

Am I good enough for her? She deserves the best and I worry that I’m not fulfilling my part of the mummy deal. I guess maybe this is what they mean by mummy guilt? It’s just manifesting itself with me as anxiety and panic!! 

I could spend all day watching her and laughing at her wee face. She does something new every day. Today it was feeding her teddies at the table, yesterday it was recognising a carrot and saying carrot very clearly. We chase each other round the living room, and dance to Taylor Swift. I love those times and wish there was a camera somewhere that could record us together. Catch the delight in her face and the awe and wonder in mine. It’s those moments I want to record. Sometimes I just catch myself pausing and smiling and grab her and hug her, tell her I love her and continue with the chase.  

         

What these holidays have taught me is that it takes at least a week to calm down and find a new routine, I need to budget better for the summer holidays and I also need to plan things, and possibly book things to do because if I don’t the weeks will fly past and I’ll be left stressing out wondering where my time went.  

Chit chat

So on Easter Sunday I had my very first proper conversation with my beloved daughter. I was getting her hair ready for Easter and she was sitting on my lap, watching me in the mirror. 

I was trying to put her hair in bunches and she was getting tetchy so I asked ‘Do you want your hair in bunches?’ She answered with a very clear ‘No’ and shake of the head. I then brushed her hair out and said ‘Do you want me to leave it down?’ And she smiled, said ‘yes’ and nodded her head!! So I brushed it out, no tetchyness, put in some clasps and she was a happy bunny. Perfect for Easter!  

 

Still have hard days

Life with my little peanut is full of joy and wonder and as I’ve said before she fills me with so much love that I always find reasons to smile. However this doesn’t mean that there still aren’t days when I could really just run away and join the circus.

The weekend just past was one of those such days. Saturday was a pj day where I got loads of housework done, imagined my living room and kitchen with some decoration. Played loads with Jessica, had a lovely hot bath then snuggled into early bed with a book. Sunday was a whole different story.

I woke up feeling rubbish, I was irritable and argumentative. Poor peanut must have wondered what had happened. The weather was awful so the meeting with pals I canceled in the morning but by lunchtime I needed out the house!! I thought that I cannot fall down the slippery slope I was on when single and lonely. Which was spend all weekend alone in the house! I simply cannot do that with a toddler. She needs interaction and more importantly so do I!!

Luckily the weather calmed down enough for a drive to see a pal and her wee girl and jess had a pal to play with and it worked wonders. Some other human company was amazing. I drove over feeling I could burst into tears and drove back smiling and singing at top volume. So I have made a vow to my wee lassie that I shall keep on top of housework throughout the week and the weekends are ours. We need to get out the house both days and do stuff together. This will be easier once I have money too- at the moment I’m still waiting to be paid and stressing about that was getting me down. I honestly didn’t think I’d have enough to keep the house warm. I may take her to the swimming pool on a Sunday, and no matter what the weather (unless we are snowed in) I can easily just take her a drive somewhere for a coffee.

So no more crappy days being alone and a single parent. That sh*t is over!! It’s so last year! 🙂

Well cheerio 2014

It’s half ten on Hogmanay. I am sitting in bed, Jessica is asleep next door. I am happy and content. I did not get asked anywhere for the bells or invite myself anywhere either, and this doesn’t bother me at all. I can’t believe what has happened in the past year, this time a year ago I was in hospital, poorly and weak. Missing my new baby like crazy. Half way through the year I faced homelessness and went through the motions of visiting the homeless unit and seeing the possibility of being put in emergency accommodation. I was jobless, homeless, man less and still smiled through it all.

Now I am in a whole new world. I have my own rented house that I can afford, I have a job that is challenging, busy and full of hard work and also offers time with Jessica. I also have a future to look forward to that could have anyone in it. 🙂

This year has seen some old friendship re-alight to shine brighter than id ever imagined, new friendships that have been my anchor and strength and I’ve also had to let some friendships drift, perhaps to be brought back to shore, perhaps to drift forever. Time will tell. I value friendship above everything. I need people in my life to chat to and moan to and to get hugs from. They do not realise me how important a part they play in my life.

I’ve learned so much this past year, about who I am and who I want to be. I hope I’m living to my values that I’ve set myself. I’m taking time to stop and play, to stop and smell the roses. I look at Jessica at least once a day with awe and adoration and I can’t believe she is mine. She astounds me with her cuteness and her intelligence. I can see so much of me in her.

So, that’s that for the year. It’s been full to bursting with life and love, tears and laughter. Tomorrow is not only a new day but a new year and I am looking forward to the adventures that awaits.