6 weeks in

So its been about five/six weeks since I started medication for anxiety.  How do i feel? Thats a tough  one!! Tired definetly! Able to make decisions – not really.  Aware that I’ve been putting on a front for too long? Tired of pretending ? Yep.  Its so hard you know, getting to the end of each day, feeling fake accomplishment on doing the bare necessity.  My energy goes on Jess, without a doubt.  I hope she doesn’t know and doesn’t remember her mum saying “I’m tired” or ” we’ll do it tomorrow” I hope she remembers the games of snap on the floor, the planting of bulbs, the time spent with her, the cuddles.  She got herself dried and dressed this morning after her shower.  I said “You need to slow down little girl, you soon won’t need me” and she replied “I’ll always need you mummy.” Its so true as well.  I need to get well for her. I need to get well to show her its okay to be ill.

I took her shopping for new trainers last night.  She had the full wall to choose from and she chose The Avengers – super heroes. She did try on a pair of pink sparkly ones but they looked ridiculous.  We left the shop with Avengers trainers, wellies and socks and a superman t-shirt and a Marvel t-shirt.  My daughter loves a superhero.

I have been referred for counselling. I need to talk through the past four years.  I need to understand that although things happen to us that are outwith our control we can claim that control back. We can choose how to behave and I need that to be a default way of life and not an as and when i remember it.  It is hard to constantly be fighting against something.  I need to stand up to work or take the plunge and change jobs.  A decision that still overwhelms me at the moment.

I took some time out over the easter hols.  I stayed with friends, i stayed with my best friend.  I can 100% say that friendship is good for the soul.  Being looked after is good for the soul. Being loved is good for the soul.  I wish my friends didn’t live so far away.  being somewhere where they know what you are going through and they do not push for you to talk, but allow you the space to talk is worth a million pounds.  Where they feed you and organise what you will do – where they do the one thing you struggle with – they make the every day small decisions for you and allow you the time to feel and heal.  That is friendship and I am lucky I have friends that I do.  She know who she is and she is loved.

I’m sitting in a busy coffee shop  I’ve been here for about two hours watching netflix on my laptop.  This is a safe place where I am with people so I need to be presentable but I disappear.  No one queries me,  I can think but not be overwhelmed with my thoughts.  I can see that I am the same as everyone else.  I am not any worse off.

 

March madness

Yep its official March is here and the lambs are in the fields.  Spring is just around the corner, although it was snowing the other day and roads were closed. IS the saying March come in like  a lamb and out like a lion? or the other way about? it’s definitely still cold enough to be in the grip of winter, even though we have seen a few warmer days.

How is life? Well, I’m off work just now with anxiety and have started a course of anti-depressants.  How do i feel about this? Well….A few years ago I hurt my ankle, I went to A&E and accepted painkillers without asking too many questions, I trusted the doc.  I got a cast, crutches, a moon boot and signed off work. I would get better. Three years ago I was rushed to A&E again, with abdominal pain, I accepted IV drips, saline, antibiotics, painkillers, morphine, I even signed to allow docs to go in a possibly remove all my reproductive organs. My daughter had to go live with my parents for about 6 weeks. I would get better.  Last week I went to the docs and got offered pills to help my anxiety and I faltered, I questioned, I worried if they were the right thing to do.  I am not coping, I am not happy, I am anxious.  Why would I not trust the doctor this time with my mind? I signed away my body easily enough as I could feel the pain, it was obvious, I was in hospital.  Why when I can see the symptoms of anxiety are I not willingly accepting the help? I am scared of what others will think! that is it! no other reason and you know what. I shouldn’t be! No-one thinks any less of you when a cyst grows on your ovary and you need it removed under medicine so why should they think less of you when a darkness affects your mind and you need some medicine too help focus on the light again?

I’m trying. I’m taking time to focus on me.  To sit in coffee shops in the hustle and remind myself that life goes on. I know I am a good mum.  I hope that I shield Jess from my darkness and she only remembers the light that was in her early life.  The cuddles, the time, not the lazy days and the weekends where we don’t leave the house.  She thinks these are great as she gets to have a jammy day and a bath with mum.

Yes I want this year to be a year of change but I want to be strong enough to make those changes and to decide on my future rather than let the future be dictated to me.  I first need to calm my mind.

I’ve contemplated closing this blog down this past year many times.  Or getting it all printed out as a book to give to Jess on her 18th or something like that.  I’m not sure yet what to do.  This is out story, well its the beginning of our story, where it all began.  Yet, so much has happened in the past year that I haven’t documented, or added to the story.  Why??

Well one reason is because I didn’t want to be a moaner and every time I came close to posting something it was a moan: about work, about life, about doing it on my own, about how hard it all is, about how lonely I am, about how very few understand, about how I’ve needed therapy, about how unsupported I feel from my family. Every time I was going to post was to acknowledge these more darker moments.  This is not to say the past year has been negative because it hasn’t.  We have had some ace times and some truly great memories are stored in my head.  The summer was fabulous and I spent lots of time doing stuff with just Jess.  My brother got married, I had a few good girlie days, even a spa treat, yet I guess that 2016 was not the best year of this parenting journey.  i just hope that I managed to hide it all from Jess and give her a great year.

So.. what f0r 2017.  Well I am going to make changes.  I hope to move or change job completely and move further afield.  There really is nothing keeping me where i am apart from a fantastic landlord and affordable rent…..

I need to give my finances an overhaul again, just a sit down and re-assess type of thing.  And last but not least I need to give myself an overhaul.. I need to re-look at all my therapy paperwork and remind myself of coping mechanisms.  I need to shift some of this 2016 fat that has appeared all over my body and i need to do it on my own without gym or PT (see finances note above) I might even start a new blog about weight loss.

Jess update:

OMG I don’t know where to begin.  She is amazing, she is gentle and a sensitive soul.  Where did 3 come from??? Has it really been 3 years she’s been in my life? Her vocabulary is out of this world, she listens to everything and takes it all in, is super polite and to be fair we didn’t really have the terrible twos.  A few wee mini meltdowns was it.  However when she turned three it was as if someone switched a switch and we are learning together that tantrums don’t get you what you want.  I’m being firm and fair.  She always comes and apologises after one on her own time.

I’m enjoying watching her play on her own with the toys she got for Christmas as a lot of them are wee people for imaginative play.  Its great fun hearing her with them.

She has chicken pox just now and boy is it awful…No-one really speaks about how awful childhood is for mums.  I know its because a week is a tiny time in a child’s life and they are not really in that much danger, not like a child in hospital or anything but gosh is it hard work on your own. She has been grand, no complaints during the day and jumping everywhere.  Been great at not scratching and asking for cream, however at night she is a different animal.  She has been really unsettled and crying, wanting to be near me but not cuddled, awake and moaning but can’t really tell me what is sore.. its been a shame and hard work but we have got through it together. I’ve done nothing all week apart from the most important job – be her mum.  I’ve sat with her all week, managing a quick shower when my folks came over for a visit.  At times I’ve felt like rubbish just because there really is no-one to talk to.  its the loneliness that is the worst.  I’ve got a great group on facebook that  I can vent to and they are super supportive and understanding as they are all in the same boat.

So there may or may not be another post on here.  time will tell.  I do think that this helped my mental health as I started to lose control when I stopped posting as often.. it was like I didn’t have any way to get out all the feelings.

better sign off as she is climbing over me – I think I’ve had enough time to myself – she demands to be played with. 🙂

 

 

The Dating Game

It is fair to say that Mr Piano Man was not for me.  I played that game and it just didn’t feel right.  He wasn’t great with Jessica, he was too sloppy and dopey with me and he couldn’t kiss very well.  I like a good old fashioned kissing session, on the sofa and prefer it when it leaves you wanting more, wanting it to never end, wanting ,wanting,,,, NOT wanting to stop right now and go wake the baby, or thinking about how much stuff you still have to do that day.  Poor chap, he will be perfect for someone just not this gal.

It did leave me a bit blue, I mean I know that it was the chemistry between us that was wrong, but I couldn’t help but think that maybe I just am not ready to date… anyone. Maybe I don’t have enough time to fit soemone else in and maybe I don’t have the energy/inclination to try?  It also got me thinking though about what I have to offer someone? What cool, hip, funky guy is going to want to be lumbered with me and my little one?  I know that that is the wong way to view life but I feel like I am in a huge slump right now and can’t find a way out.

A friend told me I was brave for taking a chance and going for dates.  I’m not sure I agree with her.  It certainly hasn’t left me feeling brave or confident.  It has had the opposite effect.  I just want to eat my weight in custard creams (which would be many) and hide away.

to be contd….

Two years on

I can’t believe it was two years ago that my life changed and everyone who knows me life changed too. All because one little weakling scaredy cat made a decision. I looked at Jess today and you know, I can’t remember how it felt to be as broken as I was two years ago. I know I was, and I know I couldn’ t fathom how life was going to be. But now two years on I am surviving, making life work and have a happy, healthy, intelligent little girl. 

I still feel betrayed and angry but I have absolutely no regrets. And not even the teensiest inkling of having him in our life. I sometimes wonder if I will ever trust someone again the way I did before. I know that I will never jump into any new relationship, but will I ever eventually have that reckless abandon that comes with falling in love? Will I ever give my heart away? I don’t think I will, and the reason? Because it’s not mine to give away now- a small person holds in their hands. She needs it, she owns it and for now, she controls it. 

Some people might say that’s not a healthy view or that I need to move on, or be happy for myself!! Pah I say to all that!! I am happy, I am in love with my baby. I am still trying to work out my life. 

Sometimes I imagine seeing him in the street, I picture what I would do- first thing I always imagine is shielding Jessica from him- I don’t even want to have a confrontation I just want to stop him breathing the same air as Jess- he doesn’t deserve to be near her or bask in her glow. If I saw him myself I don’t know what I’d do. Prob freeze and all those feelings I’ve hidden for two years would return. I’d hope the anger would be first. I’d love to pour a drink over him or tell whoever he is with just how big a scumbag he is. That would be fun. 

So yeah, 2 years, a lifetime of tears, a heart full of love and both of us are healthy, happy and together. I couldn’t picture this future but I tell you, I’m so happy I have it. 🙂  

 

The night of no sleep

it is 5am!!! Jessica has been awake since 1.30am, I only fell asleep at midnight. There is nothing wrong with her- she is not ill. She is hyper!!! Kicking me, bouncing on the bed, giggling, telling me she had a dirty nappy. No cries or need of cuddles or anything. I am exhausted, I am tired, I have racked my patience threshold.  I have put her back in cot and she cried for a couple of minutes and is now silent. I’m not going to check in case she is still awake. 

When your baby is ill and needs you, it’s amazing what strength and energy you find from places you never knew existed. Why can’t I do that tonight? She might be ill, I just can’t see it.  

I snapped at her, i couldnt help it, what did she do? Laughed at me! Thought it was hilarious. 

I hate that I have to get up for work soon. I hate that I will never know why she was awake all night. I hate that somewhere someone is sleeping all night and will never grasp these mixed emotions. 

Goodnight 

Making memories

Back to work tomorrow after 2 weeks holiday and I’m starting to feel anxious and slightly panicky. Not so much about work, although it will be extremely busy next couple of days, I know work will get done. I’m anxious about the holidays- have I done enough? Did I make enough memories? 

I am very aware that for the next few weeks it will be full on busy and work routine means there is little time for jess time. I can’t remember the first week of the holidays so how can I have made enough of the two weeks? I know she won’t remember exact days but I need to do that so I can tell her when she is older. I painted her room, and we had the girls over and she amazes me every day but still….

Am I good enough for her? She deserves the best and I worry that I’m not fulfilling my part of the mummy deal. I guess maybe this is what they mean by mummy guilt? It’s just manifesting itself with me as anxiety and panic!! 

I could spend all day watching her and laughing at her wee face. She does something new every day. Today it was feeding her teddies at the table, yesterday it was recognising a carrot and saying carrot very clearly. We chase each other round the living room, and dance to Taylor Swift. I love those times and wish there was a camera somewhere that could record us together. Catch the delight in her face and the awe and wonder in mine. It’s those moments I want to record. Sometimes I just catch myself pausing and smiling and grab her and hug her, tell her I love her and continue with the chase.  

         

What these holidays have taught me is that it takes at least a week to calm down and find a new routine, I need to budget better for the summer holidays and I also need to plan things, and possibly book things to do because if I don’t the weeks will fly past and I’ll be left stressing out wondering where my time went.  

Still have hard days

Life with my little peanut is full of joy and wonder and as I’ve said before she fills me with so much love that I always find reasons to smile. However this doesn’t mean that there still aren’t days when I could really just run away and join the circus.

The weekend just past was one of those such days. Saturday was a pj day where I got loads of housework done, imagined my living room and kitchen with some decoration. Played loads with Jessica, had a lovely hot bath then snuggled into early bed with a book. Sunday was a whole different story.

I woke up feeling rubbish, I was irritable and argumentative. Poor peanut must have wondered what had happened. The weather was awful so the meeting with pals I canceled in the morning but by lunchtime I needed out the house!! I thought that I cannot fall down the slippery slope I was on when single and lonely. Which was spend all weekend alone in the house! I simply cannot do that with a toddler. She needs interaction and more importantly so do I!!

Luckily the weather calmed down enough for a drive to see a pal and her wee girl and jess had a pal to play with and it worked wonders. Some other human company was amazing. I drove over feeling I could burst into tears and drove back smiling and singing at top volume. So I have made a vow to my wee lassie that I shall keep on top of housework throughout the week and the weekends are ours. We need to get out the house both days and do stuff together. This will be easier once I have money too- at the moment I’m still waiting to be paid and stressing about that was getting me down. I honestly didn’t think I’d have enough to keep the house warm. I may take her to the swimming pool on a Sunday, and no matter what the weather (unless we are snowed in) I can easily just take her a drive somewhere for a coffee.

So no more crappy days being alone and a single parent. That sh*t is over!! It’s so last year! 🙂

Tough times

I wanted this to be a blog about the highs and lows of my life with Jess.  Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been personally battling with trying to remain positive and have been staying away from posting as I didn’t want it to a down post but then I remembered that I wanted this to reflect how life actually is and not just the good stuff.  

Well in the past few weeks I’ve learnt that the house will prob sale, I am officially unemployed and need to apply for benefits and to top things off Jess dropped my mobile in the toilet.  Therefore I’m homeless, jobless, manless and phoneless. LOL I need to make fun of the situation because I know there is no point in dwelling on the negative or stressing myself out because I have no control over the sale of the house, I chose to not go back to Dundee and well having a baby means things get lost or broken. It is after all just a phone.  But even saying that and feeling that way hasn’t stopped the fear and doubt, anxiety and stress steep in to my subconscious and make me that little bit more tired, that little bit more irritable and that little bit quicker to forget Jess is just a baby and therefore doesn’t understand the importance of a quick nappy change or a nice wee snack. 🙂 

Maybe its just the 9 month itch but I have really felt the need for help recently.  It is so hard at times, she is always on the go, its nice to ask for help and to get help.  Though what I find is that folk are happy to have her and let me go do stuff without her when all I really want is some help in the house ,someone to share her if you like.  I went to see a good friend today and spent time in her house and it was lovely.  I liked having someone else to play with her and I could sit back, relax and watch her interact with others.  It was lovely.  I feel relaxed and happy.  

Its quite difficult to write about how hard things get at times.  i know this is actually a good thing. I’m not letting them get me down.  I may not have  lot going for me on paper and I know that letting agents will probably make assumptions about me when they hear I’m a single parent on benefits but the right place will come along at the right time and I have loads going for me, all i have to do is look at Jess to realise this. 🙂 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Making ends meet

So in two days I will be officially unemployed.  I will be entitled to claim benefits to help me survive. This has been the topic of conversation with many friends and family over the last few weeks/months.  They all have their own personal opinions and feelings of benefits and work.  I kinda don’t really have any.  I’m still not really believing that this is my life now.  That I am even contemplating claiming benefits.  It makes me so mad at him.  Madder than ever actually.  

The house is, fingers crossed, selling and I went to see about housing.  HA HA!! first off all there was a notice in the very open plan waiting area that said ‘do you want to avoid crystal meth’ I couldn’t help but ask myself Why was I there? What had my life become? It wasn’t until the advisor guy told me that a certain scheme in my home town ‘wasn’t that bad’ and was most likely where they would house me should I become homeless that I really thought someone up there was having a joke.  I almost broke down in tears in the car, but I managed to hold it in.  It’s like this is all happening to someone else.  I have a great life just now with Jess and with friends, old and new and having family close by.  if I break down now all that might crash around me and then where would I be? Jess needs me to be strong, have faith that we will continue our good full life.   

I’m not stupid, I’ve been saving where I can and buying the big things I need when I’ve had the money so there shouldn’t be any huge outlay coming my way.  I’m okay for another couple of months but after that I have no idea.  I’m applying for jobs and in fact got offered one but it really wasn’t worth it and since I don’t know where I’m gonna be living couldn’t take it, organise childcare then possibly leave it, if everything fell through.  There is just too many variables going on just now for me to get a good clear picture of what my future will be like, therefore I can’t visualise it or get stressed about it.  

I shall continue to apply for part time work, apply for benefits when I can and take each day one at a time.  Ends will meet where they meet, my faith will see to that.