Teeny time

so we have had five nights dry- do I risk it and put her to bed in pants??? Or do I wait till next weekend when I have time to deal with an accident in the morning? Hmmm big decision! 

What have been up to since last post? Well getting into the swing of working and nursery- it’s very tiring I tell ye! I do miss not having no time in the summer to prepare for the term ahead. I’m really feeling the pressure this term. Jess is loving nursery. She actually had a full blown meltdown when we left one night- she wanted to back in and see Bali (Allison) and the rabbits she had brought in. Poor Jess. It was the worst I’ve felt, a would have been easy to just give up work and never have her miss something like that again. She doesn’t even cry for me like that when I drop her off!! 😦 

This weekend all she done is eat. Almost constantly!! Which is much better than she was last week when she was too distracted and hyper to sit and eat and basically picked at things.  I think this was one of the effects of moving up a room at nursery! 

Oh a big thing happened the other night. I got my pal Tony round to help take the bars off her cot and turn it into a toddler bed! Officially a toddler now!!!! 🙂 She has fallen out a couple of times, onto a pillow and never woke up!  She still likes to fall asleep on my bed cuddling but then I lift her into her own bed and she stays there till morning. I do enjoy those night cuddles! Her wee arm comes across my neck and she says, sleepily, ‘cuddles’ before falling asleep nestled into me. 

We have Simon visiting from nursery, he is a share bear and I need to write a wee diary for him! So I’m remembering to take pictures of what he gets up to. 


What a summer

Summer is well and truly over as I write this snuggled under duvet and cover wishing I’d put the heating on earlier. Jessica is growing up fast and furious.  She still amazes me every day and I am so fortunate to know her.  

At the start of July I tried potty training as she was showing all the signs but alas she was not ready and after three days I stopped. I still sat her on the toilet before bath and talked about pee-ing and poo-ing but she went back to nappies and all was well. Then near the end of the summer, about the start of August little miss decided one Sunday morning that she was wearing pants!! I did say that she would need to tell me when she needed to pee and she said ok! And that by and large has been that! She is now daytime trained in the art of using the toilet. No potty for Jess. Nursery are amazed and ever so happy. I do not miss washing nappies and every other morning she is dry too so I’m sure nighttime isn’t too far behind.  

Her vocabulary and language skills have just sky rocketed over the summer!! Sentences, words, tone and texture are all there with her speech. She likes me to ‘look!’ And ‘show me’ she also has called me ‘mother’ on occasion when I was taking too long to react to her call. 

Bedtime was stressful over the summer but I think we have cracked it now, I changed the routine a we bit and it works 99% of the time.. Those nights when she doesn’t sleep I take as nights when she just needs me and I’m not gonna fight it and I’m gonna give her me. 

Playing with my peanut

One good thing about this holiday is that I have had all day with Jessica.  Even though now I crave adult chat ever so slightly I have loved every second, even the ones with her screaming.  She is so amazing right now.  Her vocabulary is growing every hour.  She remembers things so well.  Time isn’t measured by the big steps and milestones in her ife but by the little things that she can do, like:

  • Use the handrail to go down the back stairs
  • climb her chair, turn round and strap herself in
  • say please and ta
  • walk down the stairs at nursery all by herself
  • choose her own outfit in the morning
  • put on and pull up her own trousers
  • sit on the toilet
  • eat a full yogurt without spilling anything
  • eat a smartie and a malteser
  • know everyone’s names, including her own.
  • know party games like ring a ring of roses
  • play on her own pretending to feed her teddies
  • take her teddies for walks in the pram and cover them in a blanket and go night night

I’m sure there are loads of other things that I’m missing.  her tantrums still are not of major proportions. they are still there though.

Here she is with her cousins playing a game.


Road trips, elections and swimming.

Last weekend me and Jess went on a little road trip to Liverpool.  We went to stay with a old school pal of mine.  It was bliss.  The road down took 5.5 hours because we stopped twice, once for me to pee and then again to chance Jess.  She never slept on the way down at all and only cried when she dropped Teddy.  It was good fun, a bit of a boring road driving down the M6 but easy.  If i had petrol money I would do it once a month.  Seeing my pal was great, it reminds me of the true definition of friendship and family as she welcomed me in and we just click like we did when we were 6.  I felt truly relaxed, more than i have for a long time.  Jess loved all the attention and chased her new wee pal K around the place all the time.  K is 3 months younger and just on his feet.  They made quite the pair.  She didn’t like going to sleep in the travel cot and cried for a while at night going to sleep, but she stayed sleeping and was as good as gold.  Mini meltdowns did occur as she tried to assert her authority and demand a few things,  but she quickly learnt I was having none of it and got back up to play.

Her mini meltdowns make me laugh,  She generally throws herself down and kicks her wee feet whilst crying (beginning to add ‘mummy’ to the cry)  As long as she is safe I ignore it and they last about 40 seconds.  HaHa.   I always try and see things from her point of view and work out if what she is asking is reasonable or not, usually its not.  Like today I took her water cup off her as she was tipping the water out and wiping it everywhere.  She did not like this.  but i just hid the water cup, wiped up the water and gave her another toy to play with, the game was quickly forgotten.

It was so good to have adult company all weekend, to have other people to watch Jess and entertain her, to chat about life and motherhood and sit in silence and mostly it was good to not be alone.

She got her first stranger kiss when we were down in liverpool.  A wee boy followed her out the play bit at soft play and hugged and kissed her, she just stood there sucking her thumb, looking kinda dumbfounded, poor wee lad.  she was fine though it did make me wonder about that side of her personality.  Will she alwyas stand and let people hug her or will she walk away?  I wonder if I will revisit thia in 15 years or so and say there Jess that was when I noticed how nice you were?

The general election was last week and SNP sent 56/59 MP’s to Westminster.  I knew that Scotland and Scottish people were engaged in politics but I did not realise they were that disappointed with Labour.  Time will tell how much input they will have and how much of an impact they will have.  I’m not sure it will be huge, Tories are in for another 5 years of cuts cuts and more cuts.

We went swimming when i was down in Liverpool and Jess was not really that impressed.  To be fair I didn’t reallyy know what t do with her in the water.  She started to shiver and chitter and laughed a bit but clung to me like a wee monkey. So, when i get home i called up the council and we found a space on a parent and child swim course,  7 weeks of a 10 week course and we had her first lesson last week.  She loved it.  wore little arm bands and floated away. absolutely great fun.  lots of splashes and lots of giggles.  Plus i know now what to do with her when i take her myself.

The other day my mum said that she looked like her dad.  it was the first time she had seen him in her.  it went quickly and she looked like herself again. I told my mum of course he is there.  They share dna.  It saddens me because it reminds me of something that she will never have.  It angers me because it reminds me i will never be free of being reminded of how hurtful humans can be.  I wonder about the future, about the conversations we will no doubt have.  I wonder about a time when i will see her look like him and feel nothing.  When all the pain and doubt will be gone.

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Chit chat

So on Easter Sunday I had my very first proper conversation with my beloved daughter. I was getting her hair ready for Easter and she was sitting on my lap, watching me in the mirror. 

I was trying to put her hair in bunches and she was getting tetchy so I asked ‘Do you want your hair in bunches?’ She answered with a very clear ‘No’ and shake of the head. I then brushed her hair out and said ‘Do you want me to leave it down?’ And she smiled, said ‘yes’ and nodded her head!! So I brushed it out, no tetchyness, put in some clasps and she was a happy bunny. Perfect for Easter!  


Loooonnngggg baby

When did my baby get so long? For weeks now I feel like I’ve been saying she’s having a growth spurt but not really seeing said spurt! Then today she was in the bath all stretched out and I was stunned. She has long legs, she has shot up, her limbs are lengthening. Did I blink and miss it? I’ve swapped all her clothes up to the bigger size now. Can’t deny it anymore. 🙂 

Growing up

It would appear that Jessica no longer falls asleep in my arms but leaning against my knee. Wish I could stay here till she wakes up. This makes me smile so much. We were lying on my bed watching the end of Midnight in Paris and she leaned back against me and fell asleep. Such a fab Saturday morning. She has had a big growth spurt last couple of weeks, esp her legs. Loads of trousers and leggings are suddenly too wee. 🙂



Well cheerio 2014

It’s half ten on Hogmanay. I am sitting in bed, Jessica is asleep next door. I am happy and content. I did not get asked anywhere for the bells or invite myself anywhere either, and this doesn’t bother me at all. I can’t believe what has happened in the past year, this time a year ago I was in hospital, poorly and weak. Missing my new baby like crazy. Half way through the year I faced homelessness and went through the motions of visiting the homeless unit and seeing the possibility of being put in emergency accommodation. I was jobless, homeless, man less and still smiled through it all.

Now I am in a whole new world. I have my own rented house that I can afford, I have a job that is challenging, busy and full of hard work and also offers time with Jessica. I also have a future to look forward to that could have anyone in it. 🙂

This year has seen some old friendship re-alight to shine brighter than id ever imagined, new friendships that have been my anchor and strength and I’ve also had to let some friendships drift, perhaps to be brought back to shore, perhaps to drift forever. Time will tell. I value friendship above everything. I need people in my life to chat to and moan to and to get hugs from. They do not realise me how important a part they play in my life.

I’ve learned so much this past year, about who I am and who I want to be. I hope I’m living to my values that I’ve set myself. I’m taking time to stop and play, to stop and smell the roses. I look at Jessica at least once a day with awe and adoration and I can’t believe she is mine. She astounds me with her cuteness and her intelligence. I can see so much of me in her.

So, that’s that for the year. It’s been full to bursting with life and love, tears and laughter. Tomorrow is not only a new day but a new year and I am looking forward to the adventures that awaits.

2nd Christmas

It’s the 29th December at half one in the morning. My little peanut is sleeping in my arms all choked up with the cold. The house and street are otherwise quiet and I feel like I finally have peace to post on here. So much has gone on since my last post. I’ve started work, jess is full time in nursery and santa has been and gone.

The last couple of weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster. Who knew starting work could be as exciting, exhilarating and exhausting as it has been. I feel like I’ve not had any quiet time to myself. Like real head stopped going at a millions miles an hour quiet. Work is great, so busy with loads of projects to get involved in. I’ve been cleaning the library since I started as it was so dusty and filthy. I’ve started to reorganise and tidy. It’s felt great to be back doing something I really love.

Jessica is a wee angel at nursery and they think she is ‘the perfect child’ She gets mucked in with everything going on and they all would quite happily take her home. I like this. I like that when I go to pick her up her wee face is so happy to see me and she comes running across the room to me but then stops and thinks and decides she wants to show me stuff. I love that in the morning she is happy to go to staff and they tell her she is going to get her breakfast. She waves tata to me and knows I’ll be back for her. They give me a drawing of sorts back almost every day and she made a tile with her footprint on it for my Christmas. 🙂 it is definetly expensive to have someone else care for your child but I think it is well worth it. She eats home cooked meals every day, never goes hungry, has a good nap and is developing and growing and changing every day. I’ve not had any pangs of guilt or fear or lonesomeness. This has been the right decision for us. 🙂

Christmas no2 in jessicas life has been and gone. She saw santa four times this year and only cried once.


Christmas was good fun, we went to my sisters and had lunch there. I think next year she might be a bit older and we’ll start staying in our own house. Getting out with some outdoor toys or a walk round the neighbourhood. She got some nice presents this year, courtesy of my good pal she got some santa gifts. A boxed set of the Beatrix potter books that I can’t wait to read to her when she’s older and not just going to try and eat them. 🙂

I can’t believe all that has happened this past year and I am so thankful for my health, my babies health and my friends and family always being there to lift me up, support me and hug me when I need it. I welcomed in 2014 hooked up to an IV drip, curled up in a bed in Hospital, wondering how??? Now the year is nearly over and I’m fit, got a job, we are in our own house than I can afford and Jessica has surpassed any expectations of motherhood I had. She can walk, run, dance, talk a bit, eats everything and sleeps well. Sometimes I catch myself looking at her and having to catch my breath at her cuteness, her beauty and her wonderfulness. I then always have a wee quiet smile to myself and say inwardly ‘I did that!’ 🙂

Growing up fast

Jess is off bottles. No longer needs them. Has a large glass of milk with dinner and lunch and doesn’t want any before bed. If she does its drank from her sippy cup. She also sleeps all night now too. No longer waking at 1am for a bottle. 🙂 and managed to eat a fair few spoonful of weetabix herself. Didn’t need me to load the spoon for her.

Just when I think my heart can’t take any more, she goes and does something amazing and my heart bursts with even more love for her. 🙂