July is here!!

Hey, Well its been a good few months since I last posted.  I’ve not been back at work as doc signed me off for another six weeks which took me to the end of term.  I’ve been in touch with work and will be back in August.  I’ve been to 4 out of the 6 sessions of counselling and they have been great.  Really got me being aware of my thoughts and how they have been affecting every aspect of my life. Some sessions have been quite intense and have left me tired, which is a good thing. No point in going if I don’t do the work, right?

So the good news is that I am feeling and acting way better than I was.  I am in such a good place now.  Its brighter and not so low. I know that people do like me and want me around and I am changing the filter for my thoughts to be more positive.  I have had a few days where I’ve had big breakthroughs. I’ve been driving home from family time or days out and realised that I didn’t have any negative thoughts all day.  I was in the moment and really enjoyed myself.  I realised then just how bad I had become.  I used to always think that people didn’t want me around. I would be paranoid that I wasn’t liked, or wanted and people were just putting up with me, this would make me withdrawn internally and hating being where I was but without any real reason or proof that this was the case.  I’d hide these feelings and paint on a smile going through the motions until I was home then I would feel rotten and worthless.  A phrase the counsellor has identified that I said a lot was ‘I have no worth’ We are working together to change that, and I’m aware that this will probably be a lifelong change we are working on.

Jess is amazing. She is the one thing I know I am doing right.  She is learning her letters and keeps asking ‘What is for …….?’ meaning what letter does the word start with. I’ve had her spelling bed and dog and cat as well.  Going to have her working on her wee learning books over the summer before she goes back to nursery in August.  She will defo be ready for P1 next year.  We went away for a few days up north to have some proper time to chill and relax.  It was amazing.  I read three books and reminded myself how easy life can be when there is no stress added to it.

My challenge to myself over the summer is to try and bring that feeling back to my day to day life.  Let things go and have no pressure.  I will take that to work too and do what I can whilst at work and leave it there when I finish.  Not bring that stress home with me.  It doesn’t belong here.

Oh i got some news about him the other day.  He has changed jobs which mean his earnings are lower so the maintenance is going to drop by about £70 a month.  I know before that would have affected me greatly I would have spiralled down internally into hating him all over again and being annoyed at how his actions still affect me and J’s life. Truth be told I didn’t do that.  I was annoyed for a wee while then got over it.  Yes it affects me and I’ll need to re-do my budgeting, which is a bit of a blow, but it has no bearing on me as a person or mother.

I hope in the next few weeks I continue to improve and stay living in the moment, whether it a a sun filled smiley moment or a rain covered cuddly moment.

 

6 weeks in

So its been about five/six weeks since I started medication for anxiety.  How do i feel? Thats a tough  one!! Tired definetly! Able to make decisions – not really.  Aware that I’ve been putting on a front for too long? Tired of pretending ? Yep.  Its so hard you know, getting to the end of each day, feeling fake accomplishment on doing the bare necessity.  My energy goes on Jess, without a doubt.  I hope she doesn’t know and doesn’t remember her mum saying “I’m tired” or ” we’ll do it tomorrow” I hope she remembers the games of snap on the floor, the planting of bulbs, the time spent with her, the cuddles.  She got herself dried and dressed this morning after her shower.  I said “You need to slow down little girl, you soon won’t need me” and she replied “I’ll always need you mummy.” Its so true as well.  I need to get well for her. I need to get well to show her its okay to be ill.

I took her shopping for new trainers last night.  She had the full wall to choose from and she chose The Avengers – super heroes. She did try on a pair of pink sparkly ones but they looked ridiculous.  We left the shop with Avengers trainers, wellies and socks and a superman t-shirt and a Marvel t-shirt.  My daughter loves a superhero.

I have been referred for counselling. I need to talk through the past four years.  I need to understand that although things happen to us that are outwith our control we can claim that control back. We can choose how to behave and I need that to be a default way of life and not an as and when i remember it.  It is hard to constantly be fighting against something.  I need to stand up to work or take the plunge and change jobs.  A decision that still overwhelms me at the moment.

I took some time out over the easter hols.  I stayed with friends, i stayed with my best friend.  I can 100% say that friendship is good for the soul.  Being looked after is good for the soul. Being loved is good for the soul.  I wish my friends didn’t live so far away.  being somewhere where they know what you are going through and they do not push for you to talk, but allow you the space to talk is worth a million pounds.  Where they feed you and organise what you will do – where they do the one thing you struggle with – they make the every day small decisions for you and allow you the time to feel and heal.  That is friendship and I am lucky I have friends that I do.  She know who she is and she is loved.

I’m sitting in a busy coffee shop  I’ve been here for about two hours watching netflix on my laptop.  This is a safe place where I am with people so I need to be presentable but I disappear.  No one queries me,  I can think but not be overwhelmed with my thoughts.  I can see that I am the same as everyone else.  I am not any worse off.

 

March madness

Yep its official March is here and the lambs are in the fields.  Spring is just around the corner, although it was snowing the other day and roads were closed. IS the saying March come in like  a lamb and out like a lion? or the other way about? it’s definitely still cold enough to be in the grip of winter, even though we have seen a few warmer days.

How is life? Well, I’m off work just now with anxiety and have started a course of anti-depressants.  How do i feel about this? Well….A few years ago I hurt my ankle, I went to A&E and accepted painkillers without asking too many questions, I trusted the doc.  I got a cast, crutches, a moon boot and signed off work. I would get better. Three years ago I was rushed to A&E again, with abdominal pain, I accepted IV drips, saline, antibiotics, painkillers, morphine, I even signed to allow docs to go in a possibly remove all my reproductive organs. My daughter had to go live with my parents for about 6 weeks. I would get better.  Last week I went to the docs and got offered pills to help my anxiety and I faltered, I questioned, I worried if they were the right thing to do.  I am not coping, I am not happy, I am anxious.  Why would I not trust the doctor this time with my mind? I signed away my body easily enough as I could feel the pain, it was obvious, I was in hospital.  Why when I can see the symptoms of anxiety are I not willingly accepting the help? I am scared of what others will think! that is it! no other reason and you know what. I shouldn’t be! No-one thinks any less of you when a cyst grows on your ovary and you need it removed under medicine so why should they think less of you when a darkness affects your mind and you need some medicine too help focus on the light again?

I’m trying. I’m taking time to focus on me.  To sit in coffee shops in the hustle and remind myself that life goes on. I know I am a good mum.  I hope that I shield Jess from my darkness and she only remembers the light that was in her early life.  The cuddles, the time, not the lazy days and the weekends where we don’t leave the house.  She thinks these are great as she gets to have a jammy day and a bath with mum.

Yes I want this year to be a year of change but I want to be strong enough to make those changes and to decide on my future rather than let the future be dictated to me.  I first need to calm my mind.

I’ve contemplated closing this blog down this past year many times.  Or getting it all printed out as a book to give to Jess on her 18th or something like that.  I’m not sure yet what to do.  This is out story, well its the beginning of our story, where it all began.  Yet, so much has happened in the past year that I haven’t documented, or added to the story.  Why??

Well one reason is because I didn’t want to be a moaner and every time I came close to posting something it was a moan: about work, about life, about doing it on my own, about how hard it all is, about how lonely I am, about how very few understand, about how I’ve needed therapy, about how unsupported I feel from my family. Every time I was going to post was to acknowledge these more darker moments.  This is not to say the past year has been negative because it hasn’t.  We have had some ace times and some truly great memories are stored in my head.  The summer was fabulous and I spent lots of time doing stuff with just Jess.  My brother got married, I had a few good girlie days, even a spa treat, yet I guess that 2016 was not the best year of this parenting journey.  i just hope that I managed to hide it all from Jess and give her a great year.

So.. what f0r 2017.  Well I am going to make changes.  I hope to move or change job completely and move further afield.  There really is nothing keeping me where i am apart from a fantastic landlord and affordable rent…..

I need to give my finances an overhaul again, just a sit down and re-assess type of thing.  And last but not least I need to give myself an overhaul.. I need to re-look at all my therapy paperwork and remind myself of coping mechanisms.  I need to shift some of this 2016 fat that has appeared all over my body and i need to do it on my own without gym or PT (see finances note above) I might even start a new blog about weight loss.

Jess update:

OMG I don’t know where to begin.  She is amazing, she is gentle and a sensitive soul.  Where did 3 come from??? Has it really been 3 years she’s been in my life? Her vocabulary is out of this world, she listens to everything and takes it all in, is super polite and to be fair we didn’t really have the terrible twos.  A few wee mini meltdowns was it.  However when she turned three it was as if someone switched a switch and we are learning together that tantrums don’t get you what you want.  I’m being firm and fair.  She always comes and apologises after one on her own time.

I’m enjoying watching her play on her own with the toys she got for Christmas as a lot of them are wee people for imaginative play.  Its great fun hearing her with them.

She has chicken pox just now and boy is it awful…No-one really speaks about how awful childhood is for mums.  I know its because a week is a tiny time in a child’s life and they are not really in that much danger, not like a child in hospital or anything but gosh is it hard work on your own. She has been grand, no complaints during the day and jumping everywhere.  Been great at not scratching and asking for cream, however at night she is a different animal.  She has been really unsettled and crying, wanting to be near me but not cuddled, awake and moaning but can’t really tell me what is sore.. its been a shame and hard work but we have got through it together. I’ve done nothing all week apart from the most important job – be her mum.  I’ve sat with her all week, managing a quick shower when my folks came over for a visit.  At times I’ve felt like rubbish just because there really is no-one to talk to.  its the loneliness that is the worst.  I’ve got a great group on facebook that  I can vent to and they are super supportive and understanding as they are all in the same boat.

So there may or may not be another post on here.  time will tell.  I do think that this helped my mental health as I started to lose control when I stopped posting as often.. it was like I didn’t have any way to get out all the feelings.

better sign off as she is climbing over me – I think I’ve had enough time to myself – she demands to be played with. 🙂

 

 

Sleep talking

Yep my child talks in her sleep. Tonight’s little nugget was ‘stars! No!’ Then she turned over me shouted ‘no doggy, no’ wonder what’s she is dreaming about? 

Previous call outs have been ‘Ellie, stop. It doesn’t fit’ 

Love this munchkin. 

Christmas!!!! 

We put up the tree tonight. And danced, together for the first time ever!! I was holding Jess and she said “down.” Then took both my hands and started to swing her hips. I melted, and laughed, and smiled and thought this is it!! This is what being a parent, a mother is. It’s these small moments of allowing myself to be in the moment and enjoy it. I’ve not been able to do that for a long time. So glad I’m doing it now. 

The tree is up! We are singing jingle bells. We are loving each other. I am climbing out my black hole and going to really enjoy this holiday. Smile real smiles that reach my eyes and touch my heart. That’s my plan.    

    
 

Dry dry dry splish splash

She is well and truly potty trained now, since last post she has had two nighttime accidents and a few in the car but none at all for weeks now.  I love it!! She is so big!!! Potty trained, using a knife and fork, talking in sentences all before two!!! Oh yeah and swimming with armbands. I can’t believe it!!  Go once a week and she can kick her legs and move her arms to get a ball, or get me. She also floats on her back in a star shape and jumps in- proper big legs bent jumps!! It’s awesome! 🙂 my on little water baby. 

Another trip to a&e

Jess had her first X-ray today!! She was leaning over the back of a chair and it tipped over and trapped a finger. 😦 luckily no broken bones!! Just lots of bruising and a good few tears.  She was very good getting the X-ray and being in hospital generally. She was cute holding her wee hand up like it was in a sling! Poor baby.  

It’s hard because she won’t get strapped in and when I’m with her at th table she sits fine, I had gotten up to make more toast, she walked to be my chair and leaned over to watch me, I’m guessing. My back was turned as I was putting toast in. As I say very lucky. 

Teeny time

so we have had five nights dry- do I risk it and put her to bed in pants??? Or do I wait till next weekend when I have time to deal with an accident in the morning? Hmmm big decision! 

What have been up to since last post? Well getting into the swing of working and nursery- it’s very tiring I tell ye! I do miss not having no time in the summer to prepare for the term ahead. I’m really feeling the pressure this term. Jess is loving nursery. She actually had a full blown meltdown when we left one night- she wanted to back in and see Bali (Allison) and the rabbits she had brought in. Poor Jess. It was the worst I’ve felt, a would have been easy to just give up work and never have her miss something like that again. She doesn’t even cry for me like that when I drop her off!! 😦 

This weekend all she done is eat. Almost constantly!! Which is much better than she was last week when she was too distracted and hyper to sit and eat and basically picked at things.  I think this was one of the effects of moving up a room at nursery! 

Oh a big thing happened the other night. I got my pal Tony round to help take the bars off her cot and turn it into a toddler bed! Officially a toddler now!!!! 🙂 She has fallen out a couple of times, onto a pillow and never woke up!  She still likes to fall asleep on my bed cuddling but then I lift her into her own bed and she stays there till morning. I do enjoy those night cuddles! Her wee arm comes across my neck and she says, sleepily, ‘cuddles’ before falling asleep nestled into me. 

   
 
We have Simon visiting from nursery, he is a share bear and I need to write a wee diary for him! So I’m remembering to take pictures of what he gets up to.