Hey, Well its been a good few months since I last posted. I’ve not been back at work as doc signed me off for another six weeks which took me to the end of term. I’ve been in touch with work and will be back in August. I’ve been to 4 out of the 6 sessions of counselling and they have been great. Really got me being aware of my thoughts and how they have been affecting every aspect of my life. Some sessions have been quite intense and have left me tired, which is a good thing. No point in going if I don’t do the work, right?
So the good news is that I am feeling and acting way better than I was. I am in such a good place now. Its brighter and not so low. I know that people do like me and want me around and I am changing the filter for my thoughts to be more positive. I have had a few days where I’ve had big breakthroughs. I’ve been driving home from family time or days out and realised that I didn’t have any negative thoughts all day. I was in the moment and really enjoyed myself. I realised then just how bad I had become. I used to always think that people didn’t want me around. I would be paranoid that I wasn’t liked, or wanted and people were just putting up with me, this would make me withdrawn internally and hating being where I was but without any real reason or proof that this was the case. I’d hide these feelings and paint on a smile going through the motions until I was home then I would feel rotten and worthless. A phrase the counsellor has identified that I said a lot was ‘I have no worth’ We are working together to change that, and I’m aware that this will probably be a lifelong change we are working on.
Jess is amazing. She is the one thing I know I am doing right. She is learning her letters and keeps asking ‘What is for …….?’ meaning what letter does the word start with. I’ve had her spelling bed and dog and cat as well. Going to have her working on her wee learning books over the summer before she goes back to nursery in August. She will defo be ready for P1 next year. We went away for a few days up north to have some proper time to chill and relax. It was amazing. I read three books and reminded myself how easy life can be when there is no stress added to it.
My challenge to myself over the summer is to try and bring that feeling back to my day to day life. Let things go and have no pressure. I will take that to work too and do what I can whilst at work and leave it there when I finish. Not bring that stress home with me. It doesn’t belong here.
Oh i got some news about him the other day. He has changed jobs which mean his earnings are lower so the maintenance is going to drop by about £70 a month. I know before that would have affected me greatly I would have spiralled down internally into hating him all over again and being annoyed at how his actions still affect me and J’s life. Truth be told I didn’t do that. I was annoyed for a wee while then got over it. Yes it affects me and I’ll need to re-do my budgeting, which is a bit of a blow, but it has no bearing on me as a person or mother.
I hope in the next few weeks I continue to improve and stay living in the moment, whether it a a sun filled smiley moment or a rain covered cuddly moment.