So its been about five/six weeks since I started medication for anxiety. How do i feel? Thats a tough one!! Tired definetly! Able to make decisions – not really. Aware that I’ve been putting on a front for too long? Tired of pretending ? Yep. Its so hard you know, getting to the end of each day, feeling fake accomplishment on doing the bare necessity. My energy goes on Jess, without a doubt. I hope she doesn’t know and doesn’t remember her mum saying “I’m tired” or ” we’ll do it tomorrow” I hope she remembers the games of snap on the floor, the planting of bulbs, the time spent with her, the cuddles. She got herself dried and dressed this morning after her shower. I said “You need to slow down little girl, you soon won’t need me” and she replied “I’ll always need you mummy.” Its so true as well. I need to get well for her. I need to get well to show her its okay to be ill.
I took her shopping for new trainers last night. She had the full wall to choose from and she chose The Avengers – super heroes. She did try on a pair of pink sparkly ones but they looked ridiculous. We left the shop with Avengers trainers, wellies and socks and a superman t-shirt and a Marvel t-shirt. My daughter loves a superhero.
I have been referred for counselling. I need to talk through the past four years. I need to understand that although things happen to us that are outwith our control we can claim that control back. We can choose how to behave and I need that to be a default way of life and not an as and when i remember it. It is hard to constantly be fighting against something. I need to stand up to work or take the plunge and change jobs. A decision that still overwhelms me at the moment.
I took some time out over the easter hols. I stayed with friends, i stayed with my best friend. I can 100% say that friendship is good for the soul. Being looked after is good for the soul. Being loved is good for the soul. I wish my friends didn’t live so far away. being somewhere where they know what you are going through and they do not push for you to talk, but allow you the space to talk is worth a million pounds. Where they feed you and organise what you will do – where they do the one thing you struggle with – they make the every day small decisions for you and allow you the time to feel and heal. That is friendship and I am lucky I have friends that I do. She know who she is and she is loved.
I’m sitting in a busy coffee shop I’ve been here for about two hours watching netflix on my laptop. This is a safe place where I am with people so I need to be presentable but I disappear. No one queries me, I can think but not be overwhelmed with my thoughts. I can see that I am the same as everyone else. I am not any worse off.