March madness

Yep its official March is here and the lambs are in the fields.  Spring is just around the corner, although it was snowing the other day and roads were closed. IS the saying March come in like  a lamb and out like a lion? or the other way about? it’s definitely still cold enough to be in the grip of winter, even though we have seen a few warmer days.

How is life? Well, I’m off work just now with anxiety and have started a course of anti-depressants.  How do i feel about this? Well….A few years ago I hurt my ankle, I went to A&E and accepted painkillers without asking too many questions, I trusted the doc.  I got a cast, crutches, a moon boot and signed off work. I would get better. Three years ago I was rushed to A&E again, with abdominal pain, I accepted IV drips, saline, antibiotics, painkillers, morphine, I even signed to allow docs to go in a possibly remove all my reproductive organs. My daughter had to go live with my parents for about 6 weeks. I would get better.  Last week I went to the docs and got offered pills to help my anxiety and I faltered, I questioned, I worried if they were the right thing to do.  I am not coping, I am not happy, I am anxious.  Why would I not trust the doctor this time with my mind? I signed away my body easily enough as I could feel the pain, it was obvious, I was in hospital.  Why when I can see the symptoms of anxiety are I not willingly accepting the help? I am scared of what others will think! that is it! no other reason and you know what. I shouldn’t be! No-one thinks any less of you when a cyst grows on your ovary and you need it removed under medicine so why should they think less of you when a darkness affects your mind and you need some medicine too help focus on the light again?

I’m trying. I’m taking time to focus on me.  To sit in coffee shops in the hustle and remind myself that life goes on. I know I am a good mum.  I hope that I shield Jess from my darkness and she only remembers the light that was in her early life.  The cuddles, the time, not the lazy days and the weekends where we don’t leave the house.  She thinks these are great as she gets to have a jammy day and a bath with mum.

Yes I want this year to be a year of change but I want to be strong enough to make those changes and to decide on my future rather than let the future be dictated to me.  I first need to calm my mind.

Advertisements