One good thing about this holiday is that I have had all day with Jessica. Even though now I crave adult chat ever so slightly I have loved every second, even the ones with her screaming. She is so amazing right now. Her vocabulary is growing every hour. She remembers things so well. Time isn’t measured by the big steps and milestones in her ife but by the little things that she can do, like:
- Use the handrail to go down the back stairs
- climb her chair, turn round and strap herself in
- say please and ta
- walk down the stairs at nursery all by herself
- choose her own outfit in the morning
- put on and pull up her own trousers
- sit on the toilet
- eat a full yogurt without spilling anything
- eat a smartie and a malteser
- know everyone’s names, including her own.
- know party games like ring a ring of roses
- play on her own pretending to feed her teddies
- take her teddies for walks in the pram and cover them in a blanket and go night night
I’m sure there are loads of other things that I’m missing. her tantrums still are not of major proportions. they are still there though.
Here she is with her cousins playing a game.
So yeah after the dating situation I feel like my life is in a slump. I am on holiday just now and so far two weeks in my life comprises of getting up late, trying to tidy and failing miserably, playing with jess, drinking tea whilst she naps then going to my folks house in the afternoon. I need to shake it up!!!!
We are heading away with my nieces next week so that will hopefully shake stuff up. I can see that there could be a future where I am not all alone but I’m not sure what i could offer that person. I am so down right now and have no energy or vitality left. I need to find it or I will wake up one day and our lives, mine and Jess’s, will have passed by in a wink.
It is fair to say that Mr Piano Man was not for me. I played that game and it just didn’t feel right. He wasn’t great with Jessica, he was too sloppy and dopey with me and he couldn’t kiss very well. I like a good old fashioned kissing session, on the sofa and prefer it when it leaves you wanting more, wanting it to never end, wanting ,wanting,,,, NOT wanting to stop right now and go wake the baby, or thinking about how much stuff you still have to do that day. Poor chap, he will be perfect for someone just not this gal.
It did leave me a bit blue, I mean I know that it was the chemistry between us that was wrong, but I couldn’t help but think that maybe I just am not ready to date… anyone. Maybe I don’t have enough time to fit soemone else in and maybe I don’t have the energy/inclination to try? It also got me thinking though about what I have to offer someone? What cool, hip, funky guy is going to want to be lumbered with me and my little one? I know that that is the wong way to view life but I feel like I am in a huge slump right now and can’t find a way out.
A friend told me I was brave for taking a chance and going for dates. I’m not sure I agree with her. It certainly hasn’t left me feeling brave or confident. It has had the opposite effect. I just want to eat my weight in custard creams (which would be many) and hide away.
to be contd….