I was thinking the other day about changes- how have I changed in two years? Is it for the better? Or worse? Am I nicer, more patient, friendlier, or am I hostile, closed off, or non-trusting? How will I know?
I must have changed- I doubt very much many people could get knocked like that and remain exactly the same. I do t want to have become a different person though and I fear sometimes that I have. I need to still be true to myself and Jess needs that from me too. I feel like I’m still wound up in the whole situation in my head that I’m not allowing myself to just be for a wee bit.
Which is why I am going out on a date, or two, with a man who is outside my comfort zone of being older than me. What have I got to lose? He can’t be worse than a secret crossdresser, or a 30 yr old teenager, or someone who changes the locks on me! I survived all that and I’m still shining. I wondered about doing this because I ‘have a child’ how do I date? What happens? How do I act? Etc etc than I found myself re-reading my Paris journal and discovered that I told myself in 2008, to always live in the now. Don’t worry about the past, don’t fret over tomorrow. Stop, look around, breath. This is the now, you only get it once. So yeah who knows what will happen, who cares? Jess is safe, I am safe and I am living. 🙂