Someone missing mummy

so we had another night here of Jessica refusing to sleep. I did the usual bedtime routine, at the usual time and she just shouted on me. Came into bed with me and got all comfy and watched a bit of Atonement , played for a bit, chatted for ages, giggled a while and eventually after 10.30 fell asleep. I fell asleep also and woke up at half twelve. I’ve popped her back into her cot, got some work done and now going to sleep too, it’s after half one!! 

This is getting more common now so I’m maybe going to have to speak to nursery and see if we can reduce her nap to an hour? Or maybe I just need to not get anything done between her coming home and bedtime, but that defo won’t work in the winter…. Hey ho, just need to go with it. 

I had to remind myself today that she is my job and she should come before anything else.  If she is shouting for me, there is a reason and I should respond. Last night I couldn’t sleep, I tossed and turned and believe me if there was someone in the house who could have comforted me and cuddled me till I drifted off i’d sure have called for them too. 🙂 

  

Do we ever really change?? 

I was thinking the other day about changes- how have I changed in two years? Is it for the better? Or worse? Am I nicer, more patient, friendlier, or am I hostile, closed off, or non-trusting? How will I know? 

I must have changed- I doubt very much many people could get knocked like that and remain exactly the same. I do t want to have become a different person though and I fear sometimes that I have.  I need to still be true to myself and Jess needs that from me too. I feel like I’m still wound up in the whole situation in my head that I’m not allowing myself to just be for a wee bit. 

Which is why I am going out on a date, or two, with a man who is outside my comfort zone of being older than me. What have I got to lose? He can’t be worse than a secret crossdresser, or a 30 yr old teenager, or someone who changes the locks on me! I survived all that and I’m still shining. I wondered about doing this because I ‘have a child’ how do I date? What happens? How do I act? Etc etc than I found myself re-reading my Paris journal and discovered that I told myself in 2008, to always live in the now. Don’t worry about the past, don’t fret over tomorrow. Stop, look around, breath. This is the now, you only get it once. So yeah who knows what will happen, who cares? Jess is safe, I am safe and I am living. 🙂 

Two years on

I can’t believe it was two years ago that my life changed and everyone who knows me life changed too. All because one little weakling scaredy cat made a decision. I looked at Jess today and you know, I can’t remember how it felt to be as broken as I was two years ago. I know I was, and I know I couldn’ t fathom how life was going to be. But now two years on I am surviving, making life work and have a happy, healthy, intelligent little girl. 

I still feel betrayed and angry but I have absolutely no regrets. And not even the teensiest inkling of having him in our life. I sometimes wonder if I will ever trust someone again the way I did before. I know that I will never jump into any new relationship, but will I ever eventually have that reckless abandon that comes with falling in love? Will I ever give my heart away? I don’t think I will, and the reason? Because it’s not mine to give away now- a small person holds in their hands. She needs it, she owns it and for now, she controls it. 

Some people might say that’s not a healthy view or that I need to move on, or be happy for myself!! Pah I say to all that!! I am happy, I am in love with my baby. I am still trying to work out my life. 

Sometimes I imagine seeing him in the street, I picture what I would do- first thing I always imagine is shielding Jessica from him- I don’t even want to have a confrontation I just want to stop him breathing the same air as Jess- he doesn’t deserve to be near her or bask in her glow. If I saw him myself I don’t know what I’d do. Prob freeze and all those feelings I’ve hidden for two years would return. I’d hope the anger would be first. I’d love to pour a drink over him or tell whoever he is with just how big a scumbag he is. That would be fun. 

So yeah, 2 years, a lifetime of tears, a heart full of love and both of us are healthy, happy and together. I couldn’t picture this future but I tell you, I’m so happy I have it. 🙂  

 

Another blog

i am part of a single parent group on Facebook, and have found it very helpful.  One of the other mums wanted to hear from working single mums, so I answered her questions and featured on her blog. Here is the link

The night of no sleep

it is 5am!!! Jessica has been awake since 1.30am, I only fell asleep at midnight. There is nothing wrong with her- she is not ill. She is hyper!!! Kicking me, bouncing on the bed, giggling, telling me she had a dirty nappy. No cries or need of cuddles or anything. I am exhausted, I am tired, I have racked my patience threshold.  I have put her back in cot and she cried for a couple of minutes and is now silent. I’m not going to check in case she is still awake. 

When your baby is ill and needs you, it’s amazing what strength and energy you find from places you never knew existed. Why can’t I do that tonight? She might be ill, I just can’t see it.  

I snapped at her, i couldnt help it, what did she do? Laughed at me! Thought it was hilarious. 

I hate that I have to get up for work soon. I hate that I will never know why she was awake all night. I hate that somewhere someone is sleeping all night and will never grasp these mixed emotions. 

Goodnight