Well yesterday was a HUGE day in my wee girls life. She said her first word. A couple of days ago she was repeating the word doggy with her book with me and Gus, and we both were amazed but kinda thought it was just repetition then last night she looked at a picture of a dog and said it, it sounded like doggee. Hollie caught it on camera. Today we were in Morrisons, in the toilet roll aisle and she said it again, pointing at the loo roll. I looked at her and said, its not a dog then checked because she was pointing at something, and sure enough, it was the picture of the andrex puppy. I was so happy and proud, she is amazing
Today she decided to do another first. She started clapping, then couldn’t stop so for about ten minutes after bathtime we were clapping in our pjs. 🙂 Everyday is something new and magical.
Over the past few days I’ve had company in the house. My good friend Gus of 17 years stayed from Thurs-Sun and it was exactly what I needed. Jess took to him like she had known him forever and it was so nice to have company. I was still as busy and kept going all weekend but in a different way. I cooked delicious, healthy meals whilst someone else entertained my daughter, I sat with another adult in the evening, drinking wine whilst Jess slept soundly upstairs. It was awesome.
I watched whilst he played with Jess and got her laughing and giggling. He pushed her around the house on her wee sit-on train for ages. I walked in and they were both sat up on the couch reading a book together. It melted my heart seeing one of my oldest best friends playing with my newest best friend. It was emotional in a good, positive way. Both seeing Gus again and seeing Jess play with someone.
I know that I’ve said I would like help in the house and to finally have that and from a good pal was just as good as I thought it would be.
So after a great weekend I’m beginning to feel a little sad, sad that I’m back to ‘real’ life with just me and Jess again, sad that Jess is gonna have to entertain herself for a wee while at times and sad that I don’t know when I’ll see my pal again. 🙂 all happy sad.
I wanted this to be a blog about the highs and lows of my life with Jess. Over the past couple of weeks I’ve been personally battling with trying to remain positive and have been staying away from posting as I didn’t want it to a down post but then I remembered that I wanted this to reflect how life actually is and not just the good stuff.
Well in the past few weeks I’ve learnt that the house will prob sale, I am officially unemployed and need to apply for benefits and to top things off Jess dropped my mobile in the toilet. Therefore I’m homeless, jobless, manless and phoneless. LOL I need to make fun of the situation because I know there is no point in dwelling on the negative or stressing myself out because I have no control over the sale of the house, I chose to not go back to Dundee and well having a baby means things get lost or broken. It is after all just a phone. But even saying that and feeling that way hasn’t stopped the fear and doubt, anxiety and stress steep in to my subconscious and make me that little bit more tired, that little bit more irritable and that little bit quicker to forget Jess is just a baby and therefore doesn’t understand the importance of a quick nappy change or a nice wee snack. 🙂
Maybe its just the 9 month itch but I have really felt the need for help recently. It is so hard at times, she is always on the go, its nice to ask for help and to get help. Though what I find is that folk are happy to have her and let me go do stuff without her when all I really want is some help in the house ,someone to share her if you like. I went to see a good friend today and spent time in her house and it was lovely. I liked having someone else to play with her and I could sit back, relax and watch her interact with others. It was lovely. I feel relaxed and happy.
Its quite difficult to write about how hard things get at times. i know this is actually a good thing. I’m not letting them get me down. I may not have lot going for me on paper and I know that letting agents will probably make assumptions about me when they hear I’m a single parent on benefits but the right place will come along at the right time and I have loads going for me, all i have to do is look at Jess to realise this. 🙂
So in two days I will be officially unemployed. I will be entitled to claim benefits to help me survive. This has been the topic of conversation with many friends and family over the last few weeks/months. They all have their own personal opinions and feelings of benefits and work. I kinda don’t really have any. I’m still not really believing that this is my life now. That I am even contemplating claiming benefits. It makes me so mad at him. Madder than ever actually.
The house is, fingers crossed, selling and I went to see about housing. HA HA!! first off all there was a notice in the very open plan waiting area that said ‘do you want to avoid crystal meth’ I couldn’t help but ask myself Why was I there? What had my life become? It wasn’t until the advisor guy told me that a certain scheme in my home town ‘wasn’t that bad’ and was most likely where they would house me should I become homeless that I really thought someone up there was having a joke. I almost broke down in tears in the car, but I managed to hold it in. It’s like this is all happening to someone else. I have a great life just now with Jess and with friends, old and new and having family close by. if I break down now all that might crash around me and then where would I be? Jess needs me to be strong, have faith that we will continue our good full life.
I’m not stupid, I’ve been saving where I can and buying the big things I need when I’ve had the money so there shouldn’t be any huge outlay coming my way. I’m okay for another couple of months but after that I have no idea. I’m applying for jobs and in fact got offered one but it really wasn’t worth it and since I don’t know where I’m gonna be living couldn’t take it, organise childcare then possibly leave it, if everything fell through. There is just too many variables going on just now for me to get a good clear picture of what my future will be like, therefore I can’t visualise it or get stressed about it.
I shall continue to apply for part time work, apply for benefits when I can and take each day one at a time. Ends will meet where they meet, my faith will see to that.
Some changes are slow and not really that noticeable: gaining weight, losing weight, saving cash, hair growth, nail growth. They are slow and steady – you only really notice them when BAM you are a stone heavier/lighter and jeans don’t fit, or suddenly you have £2k in the bank when you only save £35 a month or you dry your hair and realise it takes 10 mins rather than 2. These are everday life changes of an adult, then of course there are the changes that take place in your first year of life. These are fast and continual.
One morning you realise you can stand up and by that afternoon you are standing and walking along the sofa. You go to bed with just gums in your mouth and wake up with a wee white tip of something at your gum, the next time you are in bed you have the white bud of a tooth poking through your gum. In March you starting swallowing smooth food, by the start of August you are feeding yourself carrots off a fork, and trying to put the carrot back on the fork when it falls off.
I know these changes don’t always happen to evert child at this pace but they are sure happening to my little cherub. maybe one day i’ll get used to them but I really hope I don’t. I hope I am forever writing posts like this, marvelling at the obivous, visual changes i see before me on a daily basis.