Someone to hold my hand

I knew single parenting was gonna be difficult. I was ready for the money worries, the big issues and the even bigger questions that I alone need to answer. What I wasn’t, what I am not ready for is the small things. The fact than I wish there was someone else to put out the rubbish or remember to put out the rubbish. Someone else to hang the washing up, to tidy away her toys, or to make a cup of tea. Someone else to nip out to tesco to pick up some milk.

I can’t say I miss having someone else because I’ve never had them. But it’s the idea of how nice it would be to put Jess to bed and walk downstairs to find the living room tidy and a cuppa waiting on me, just once. It’s these things that are hard and tiring. I sit down and then remember the never ending list of stuff to do. Maybe I’m hard on myself as I’ve set myself a target of always tidying and doing the dishes before I come to bed. And every night Jess has been in the house I’ve managed this. I guess I have the fear that if I don’t do this, it’d be left for days and then I’d crumble with the mess. Also I like to start each day with an empty sink and an empty floor. I want to spend the day with jess, creating mayhem. I don’t want to pop her down on the floor whilst I’m cleaning last nights or two nights ago dishes up. I know this is the way for a lot of mums at times, but for me and single mums everywhere it’s every night.

Running out of milk! This is a novelty for me and something that happens quite regularly. There have been a few occasions when I wasn’t driving I had to ask the folks to bring me in milk. Now I am driving it’s easier to take Jess to the folks and leave her there than struggle her in the car seat, then out the car seat, find a special trolley, strap her in, do the shop, out the trolley, into the car seat, car seat back into the car…… If it’s a good walking day I walk to asda, it’s easy and a nice walk. But I cant do a big shop- just enough to fit in the basket on the buggy- and I can only do this during the day, not at 9pm which is usually when I sit down to tea and realise the milk is bad!! Haha!!

Today was a tough day for peanut, the teeth were annoying her, we spent a good while just lying staring, hugging, chatting to each other this afternoon. I had to remind myself this was my job, everything else could wait. Now I know that for most mothers every day is spent with baby and they all feel this. But they have someone else to hug them after a rough day, someone else to carry baby out to the car at times, someone else who will entertain baby whilst they do laundry or even if they’re lucky someone else who will do the laundry for them.

I know I have my family and they have been amazing!! And I know how much i hated not being with Jess whilst ill and recovering so this isn’t meant to be a whiny post, just a wee comment on my wish that sometimes, for the most mundane of reasons, and for the little everyday things I wish that there was someone there to hold my hand.

Then I remember there always will be. x



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