Being a lone patent is bloody hard work. No one really talked about just how hard this job was going to be before baby was here. It’s the small things that I’m struggling with. The times when all you need is to give Jessica to someone to wind whilst I rub cream and put dressing on my boob after a feed. It’s the fact that for the best part every nappy change is up to me, and then there is the higher things like there is no one on this planet who has the same levels of responsibility, love and care for Jessica.
Family have been great but I have to remember that me and Jess are not their no. 1 priority. They all have other lives to lead. Yes they’ve been there for us when I’ve been at my wits end but sometimes I feel like it’d be nice to see them on a good day or just have them drop by. Plus I think ma and da are reaching their peak re breastfeeding. They are still supportive but losing patience.
For those out there that think ‘well having a man around was hard too, he didn’t make it plain sailing’ I agree, and I’m sure that had her dad been involved I’d still be finding it hard but at least there would have been someone else who had her (and me) as their no 1. Or in theory would have to have.
So what is hard?
Well the lack of sleep, it impairs my judgement.
Finding the time to eat, this is hard because sometimes I feel she traps me to the chair/bed. I’ve started using the sling to combat this.
Being constantly aware. I can’t let my guard down for even a second. Even at my folks I’m aware of her, watching her, knowing it’s my job to make decisions.
Knowing what to do. Do I sleep when she sleeps? Do I use the time she sleeps to get showered and dressed? Do I sit down with tea or wash out the bathroom? Do I hang the washing up or lie on sofa getting cuddles? Do I keep cuddling her or stop and express milk? Some of these would be easily answered if there was someone else, some of them I know are relevant to all new mums not just those on their own.
Being on my own- how do I feel?
I cannot lie, sometimes I think about him I think how lucky I am he’s not controlling us but mostly I still feel numb. Dumbfounded that he can continue his life without even a thought about her. I feel like I’ve been through the break up all over again, the pain, the anger, the tears. And no matter how positive I feel, there is still that bit of pain when someone new asks- does dad help?
Don’t get me wrong I’m not in tears all day every day, I just wish sometimes that folk do acknowledge how hard it is gonna be when I was still pregnant. It is all worth it and I’m loving feeding her and nursing her and seeing her grow. I’ve just been having a hard couple of days…
… But today is new and I’m bathed and have eaten brekkie and have a content gorgeous girl for company. So it’s in the pram and away a walk for us. Xx