Sleep perchance to dream

Woohoo!!! Jessica slept all night for two nights running. I can’t actually believe it!! Woke up this morning at 7, confused as to whether I fed her at 3 or not. I don’t think I did as her nappy hadn’t been changed and my water wasn’t touched. So I’m going with she slept!! Which is great. 🙂 feeling really refreshed and rest for the day. Hoping to head to Glasgow to meet up with my sis and get some shopping done.:)


Lunch out

I realised the last few posts have been quite negative, but then the past few weeks have been a struggle. However there have been good days and today was one of them.

We had a lazy morning, then met up with my brother and sister for lunch. Was out the house by 12.30. Managed to have lunch in Costa, then wander round the shops with bro before heading to my sisters for dinner. Jessica was fab, slept most of the time and then was awake with her cousins. Fed well today too. Mostly pain free feeds, and if it wasn’t for shooting pains after feeds (due to thrush) I think I’d be so happy breastfeeding.

Now we are at gran and pop’s house, getting some cuddles. So even though it’s hard there are days of wonderfulness. Here’s hoping we have another good day tomorrow. 🙂

Breastfeeding: fact or fiction??

So you know breast is best and you strive to give your baba the very best. But what is the actual truth about breastfeeding? Well here I will, given my own experience try to battle through the fact and fiction.

1. You don’t need anything, just you and baby.
Well this isn’t exactly true. I’ve been amazed at what I’ve needed. Syringe in hospital to collect milk at start when baby won’t latch on. Breast pump- a necessity to deal with engorgement and to give nipples a rest when they are too sore to give to baby. Lansinohl cream: necessity for cracked nipples and sore nipples. For some people they have needed a nipple shield, and I got told yesterday about a nipple shell to collect dripping milk which brings me on to breast pads. I’m not talking the one or two boxes you’re devised to buy- you will need loads. Special clothes: feeding bras that fit, tops that have secret sections and make feeding easy, and enough of them to change possibly twice a day. Muslins to help with the leaking. Steriliser for the pump.

2. It’s easily the most natural thing in the world
Nope, I disagree, it’s hard, very hard and you need to learn and straight after giving birth you are not in the best place to learn a new skill. Baby also needs to learn, and not all babies know how.

3. Builds strong bonds
Well this one I agree with and once you’ve got the hang of it, it can be the best time of day. The knowledge that you are giving your baby all it needs to thrive is such a powerful thing.

4. Every feed should be pain free
Eventually, yes but I don’t know how many feeds I’ve had that have been excruciating. All to do with attachment an that new skill you are both learning.

5. Saves baby from illnesses and reduces risks for mum from certain cancers and illnesses
I’m sure this is true but in reducing te risk of these illnesses mum is being open to mastitis, thrush, engorgement, pain, bleeding, to name but a few. Not life threatening but when you are dealing with them they feel like it!!

6. Everyone says first few weeks are worst then it’s great and looking back it’s all been worth it
I’ll let you know the answer to this is 3 weeks time. 🙂

Parenting alone

Being a lone patent is bloody hard work. No one really talked about just how hard this job was going to be before baby was here. It’s the small things that I’m struggling with. The times when all you need is to give Jessica to someone to wind whilst I rub cream and put dressing on my boob after a feed. It’s the fact that for the best part every nappy change is up to me, and then there is the higher things like there is no one on this planet who has the same levels of responsibility, love and care for Jessica.

Family have been great but I have to remember that me and Jess are not their no. 1 priority. They all have other lives to lead. Yes they’ve been there for us when I’ve been at my wits end but sometimes I feel like it’d be nice to see them on a good day or just have them drop by. Plus I think ma and da are reaching their peak re breastfeeding. They are still supportive but losing patience.

For those out there that think ‘well having a man around was hard too, he didn’t make it plain sailing’ I agree, and I’m sure that had her dad been involved I’d still be finding it hard but at least there would have been someone else who had her (and me) as their no 1. Or in theory would have to have.

So what is hard?
Well the lack of sleep, it impairs my judgement.
Finding the time to eat, this is hard because sometimes I feel she traps me to the chair/bed. I’ve started using the sling to combat this.
Being constantly aware. I can’t let my guard down for even a second. Even at my folks I’m aware of her, watching her, knowing it’s my job to make decisions.
Knowing what to do. Do I sleep when she sleeps? Do I use the time she sleeps to get showered and dressed? Do I sit down with tea or wash out the bathroom? Do I hang the washing up or lie on sofa getting cuddles? Do I keep cuddling her or stop and express milk? Some of these would be easily answered if there was someone else, some of them I know are relevant to all new mums not just those on their own.

Being on my own- how do I feel?
I cannot lie, sometimes I think about him I think how lucky I am he’s not controlling us but mostly I still feel numb. Dumbfounded that he can continue his life without even a thought about her. I feel like I’ve been through the break up all over again, the pain, the anger, the tears. And no matter how positive I feel, there is still that bit of pain when someone new asks- does dad help?

Don’t get me wrong I’m not in tears all day every day, I just wish sometimes that folk do acknowledge how hard it is gonna be when I was still pregnant. It is all worth it and I’m loving feeding her and nursing her and seeing her grow. I’ve just been having a hard couple of days…

… But today is new and I’m bathed and have eaten brekkie and have a content gorgeous girl for company. So it’s in the pram and away a walk for us. Xx

3 weeks in….

…,Feeding continued.

So the tale of today..
Feed 1- 4.30 am- felt fab, didn’t have to leave the room, just lifted her up, put her on and she fed then burped, changed bum and back to sleep

Feed 2-8.30 am- incredibly painful, thrush sucks, she was fussy going on and I just wanted a break. 😦

Feed 3-10 ish- still painful, still fussy but worth it

Feed4-2.30- sore on but once on very easy, milk splurging out all over her made me laugh.

Between sleep 3&4 we both curled up and dozed. Will never tire of her wee sleepy face.

Feeding, feeding

You know no one tells you just how hard breast feeding is. How tiring, how sore, how seemingly complicated at times. I find myself asking: is it worth all this?

I’ve been having issues really since my milk came in. Issues I now realise were all to do with attachment and making sure she was on right at every feed, but how do you do this!? Well my solution, or rather a solution from my mum was to call in reinforcements from my big cousin. She is a health visitor and has done loads of work on breastfeeding. And all this week she has been a godsend!! I now know what a pain free feed feels like but don’t get it yet all the time. We are still learning together. I think everyone who chooses to breastfeed should be given support face to face at home for almost every feed when their milk comes in. Prevention is better than cure right? If I’d had it I wouldn’t have cracked nipples or attachment issues.

So is it all worth it? Well today yes it is, I feel good about things and Jessica has been great. Yesterday was a different matter though and tomorrow is a whole new day. I’m not at the stage of giving up but I also know I can’t go on in pain forever. It is worth it to know that I’m giving Jessica everything she needs.

13 days in

Unlucky for some??? Well I can’t believe she is 13 days old!!! Little Jessica.

She weighed 7 lbs 9.5 oz at birth and was just a little piece of perfection. Hospital stay was good, I rested and got shown how to bath her, as well as how to breastfeed. It’s such an overwhelming, unbelievable feeling when you see your child for the first time and she locks eyes with you and stops screaming. That first sight will stay with me forever!! These big slate blue eyes gazing at me. I chatted away to her, cried a lot, so did mum then my teeth chittered. She was perfect. Mum cut the cord and I named her Jessica.

She got checked over at the hospital and everyone was happy that she could go home. She has a thick long head of dark hair which sits in a wee Mohican. 🙂

Nearly two weeks at home and how do I feel?? Well I can’t believe that two weeks again I was getting ready to go in and get induced. I can hardly remember my life without her in it. I’ve decided to breastfeed and it was going really well till the last four days. Now it’s all a bit rubbish!! My cousin, who is a health visitor, came over yesterday to help and it turns out our attachment is all wrong. J needs a bigger wide open mouth. We are persevering though so hopefully in a couple of days it should be painless and effective.

What do I know about Jess already?

She loves cuddles- especially when she is lying on me, her head just fits inside my neck.
She can be very alert.
She loves to be spoken to and will watch raptured as you tell her wee stories.
Her umbilical cord fell off on Wednesday , when she was a week old
We didn’t have enough wee clothes to fit so mum went out and bought some.
She can sleep through all the noise at gran and pops house.
Her eyes are blue but we think they are changing
She has a blonde streak already in the back of her head,

I love having her and even though I’m tired and struggling a bit she is worth every missed minute of sleep.