Pregnancy middles contd

Well, after the first scan we sent the picture to family and he sent a pic to his dad. My folks were all so happy and excited. My niece was so impressed because it was an actual baby in the pic, you could see everything. I went into work and showed it around and told folk I was pregnant, which was such an exciting thing to do. Everyone was super happy for me.

When we got back to his folks house I remember his mums reaction when he gave her the copy of the pic, “yeah, your dad showed me, it looks like an alien” to be fair I think my instinct was raised at that point to thinking that his mum wasn’t as happy about this pregnancy as we were, but I didn’t know quite to what extent that was.

The next 8 weeks up to our second scan kinda passed without any major health worries. I had my last urine infection (thanks god) at 14 weeks, bringing total to 5 since I got pregnant. 😦 I remember he was not the most supportive during my illnesses, I rationalised it by telling myself hewas just one of this guys who didnt so illness or time off work etc. I remember a chat we had where I tried to explain the difference between sympathy and support as he didnt dish out sympathy!! Oh how I should have known…..

Anyone those weeks were what I thought were settling in weeks. But he didnt do settling in. We had a couple of major rows as he wasn’t at home, very often eating dinner with his folks at night and staying there till 9.30/10pm. There was a lot of meals eaten on my own, and I was pretty tired so it was bed at 9 for me as I was up at 6 to get train at 7.10. Again I thought he is just taking a while to settle/ doesn’t cope well with change etc etc. We had some good times and when he was there, he was very attentive and caring. We chatted a bit about the baby an the future but a lot of it freaked him out so I planned away in my head.

The twenty week scan came and went, it was amazing! He came with me and stayed whilst I was assessed for pain and diagnosed with pelvic girdle pain (which deserves a whole post on its own). We booked up for parenting classes, he appeared to be coming to them all, things were better at home, not perfect but realistically what relationship is??? Then the bubble burst…….

I discovered a horrible text on his phone from his mother that frightened me and upset me greatly. Basically it said that she didnt care about me and noone did! That night, after I’d confronted him about it, I explained that I couldn’t stay there and went to stay with my brother for a couple of nights to give us space. Packin that night was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Walking out the door was even harder. By that point I’d let my parents into the story and they had come up to help drive me to my brothers. I then spent two days on tender hooks, never giving up hope that the love I had for this man and what I’d hoped he had for me was from enough. Always hoping he’s find some way to fix this because he wanted to be with me and his child, the child we’d conceived together with thought and planning. Well to cut a long story short he did make a decision and that decision was to change the locks, pack my stuff up and send me a text message at 11.30pm saying it was over!! I arrived at the house, the home i’d pictured our family to exist in at 7.30am to discover locks changed. After being kept outside for about 10 mins he finally let me in for me to see my things already being packed up! His reasons?? I’ve yet to hear them!!

How did I manage to recover?? Writing this now it still seems like it happened to someone else!! I recovered because I have amazing friends and family who propped me up, kept me going, and never let me fall!! Those first few weeks after I’d left were horrible. I was broken but I had peanut constantly jabbing me and kicking me to remind me I wasn’t alone and I needed to be strong for someone else. That’s when I decided to write this because even though it was awful beyond words I need to have a record of what I’ve been through, who I am, who peanut is.

Why he acted like that ill never know, what he thought I’d do to his house ill never know. It’s been 12 weeks since then and still not a peep! Will he get in touch? I don’t know! There are things that occurred that day I went over to speak to him ingrained in my brain. I know I’ll never forget but overall now, 12 weeks later I’m a different person. I’m a stronger person and soon to be a single mother.

I used to think I was lucky to have met him! Now I know I’ve always been lucky. It’s the other people in your life that make you lucky. The co-workers who turn out to be much more, the friends who just listen to your silences, family that are solid as a rock! I know my child will be surrounded by love and that’s the most important thing!


Movements ahoy

So since the start I’ve felt sick in the morning, mid afternoon and again at night. Then when the movements started they followed that exact same pattern. Peanut moves in the morning, has a kick around about 2.30-30pm then like clockwork Peanut is all go around 9pm for about an hour!! Peanut also likes ths Sound of my dads voice, in fact it was when I was talking to my dad months ago that I felt the first flutterings. The other week my dad and a friend of my brothers was chatting and peanut was all kicks and turns. I think it likes a good gossip!

Now like all mothers I’ve tried to catch this on camera. I’m now 30 weeks today and last night caught my tummy going crazy. Unfortunately I cannot upload to this site yet but it is saved.

Thinking of the movements they have totally changed in feeling over the past ten months. At the start it was like someone giving me a butterfly kiss inside my tummy really low down, about my pant line. Then it was proper kicks and jabs for a few weeks that took me by surprise and could be quite painful. Now I can feel the baby’s head as it settles up high and overall the movements feel like waves across the middle of my tummy. I like that I can prod the head and feel the pressure at the bottom. There was one day when I swear I could feel the spine all the way down the front of my bump!

I think that in the morning peanut is lying towards the back as I feel smaller and can’t feel it, then come evening time it has moved to the front and is up high as I can feel it, both the pressure and actually feel the round head with my hands. I’m 32 weeks this week and peanut is still lying breech, midwife says nothing to worry about. If still breech at 36 weeks, I might get another scan.

Pregnancy middles

Well if the beginnings took us to Easter I’d best continue, we had our first scan scheduled for the Friday after Easter Sunday. Easter Sunday is always a family affair with my family, we go on an egg hunt and then have a family lunch, so it was the reflect time to tell everyone our news. He did t like this idea because we had agreed not to tell till after the scan but since the scan was only 4 days away I couldn’t see a problem. Plus if anything was wrong with the scan I would need the support from my family as I was already in love with this baby.

So I had the perfect way to tell everyone. I created wee Easter cards, one for each niece and one for my bro and sis, my other bro was on holiday so I just called him to tell him whe. He got back. 🙂 the cards said happy Easter to my big cousin, see you in October! I remember my brother saying why is my sister giving me a card that says to uncle John? 🙂 it was great, mum and dad were very happy, bro and sis were over the moon and congratulated us both. My youngest niece was super excited, if a little in awe. She told her mum that this was great news because now she wasn’t the youngest and wouldn’t get blamed for everything! I loved it.

He was okay too that day, if a little distant, but then I’d been distant with him as I’d been on my phone and through safari had found a message on his facebook page where he was talking very negatively with one of his pals, who I also read had been quite flirty with him in the past few weeks too. I talked to him about this but he said it was nothing to worry about and just his way of expressing himself and getting things off his chest. I was already pregnant and moved in with him, I felt that there was nothing I could really do and I guess there is different ways we talk to different people. I did not have his password or anything, he had obviously been signed in on my phone in the past. I put it behind me and he apologised.

The scan was the next big thing and I thought that surely after the scan he’d be happier, more excited about the baby. He had decided to take his mothers viewpoint which was it was bad luck to get too excited or to get things in or even talk about the baby till the first scan. Which had meant that for the past few weeks he didn’t really discuss things, whereas I was planning nurseries and costing cots and clothes and looking at real nappies, whilst he was ignoring the fact that a baby would be entering our lives. So the day of the scan we headed to hospital early, found the correct department and waited. We had the chat about the Down’s syndrome test and I had decided that I didn’t want to it as I saw no point in the first stage as I would never risk the second stage. I had made him read the book about the test and he was in agreement, though I’m sure he really wanted it done. Tough I decided, it was my body after all. So we signed that we would not be having that test, I drank water and waited. I have to say I was so nervous, it was like magical, in a few moments I’d get the first medical confirmation that I was indeed pregnant! 🙂 we went into the room, he sat beside me and I pulled my top up and trousers down a wee bit. The gel was warm, I was expecting it to be cold! And then the scan started and there was a teeny panic, I thou there is nothing there, I wasn’t showing, I hadn’t felt it, but that panic lasted a few seconds then bam there was our baby! Head, spine, legs, arms, and most important of all a good strong heartbeat. I just stared at the screen. So did he. All looked well, we were given five copies of the same picture, which was amazing. It’s little body and legs. I don’t have a copy of this picture, the only thing I have is it saved on my phone. . Here it is


More ante natal classes

Well since my last post I’ve been to two more ante natal classes. The second one I had to go alone as my mum couldn’t make it. Yeah it was hard and I felt rubbish but I guess one wee hour class isn’t much in the grand scope of things I’m gonna have to do on my own. The physio took us through the three stages of labour, told us to remember to breath out SOS “Soft and Slow” she also said we need to try to keep mobile as much as possible and not to lie down on the bed straight away. We don’t need to stay in our room we can go for a walk along the corridor and crab walk up stairs, both sides, to encourage babies head to be in centre of pelvis. Can dance with our partners (though I’m not sure mum will be up for that) lean on ball, lean on side of bed/chair/table. Not to panic. It all seems fine and easy when they talk about it. And quick. Although she reminded us it could take anywhere between 10-12 hours or more, they still go through it all quick. She also spoke about the pool. I’d like to try the pool, I love being in the water, but I’m not ure I’d like to actually deliver in the water.

The third class was just last night, my sister came along with me as mum was on holiday. Surprise surprise my midwife was my sister too years ago with my niece. My sis liked her so that’s reassuring. She also went through labour but from a midwife perspective. Now we know what signs to look out for to know we are actually in labour. We have to call the hospital when we think we are in labour, which I’ll be doing anyway. And if the labour stops we must call back to let them know. 🙂 so now I know what to expect during the labour, lots of breathing, lots of wandering and lots of pain. Pain relief: wow what to take, what not to take!!!! The idea of a needle in my spine freaks me out, but I’m not ruling out an epidural. I’d prefer the drug that you control, and gas and air. Midwife thinks very few first births cope with just gas and air so ill be prepared for something a but stronger.

I guess now its down to me to write my birthing plan, pack a hospital bag and basically get prepared. If this child has my genes though it’ll be late. So next week is my last ante natal class, I can’t say it’s not been weird not having my mum, I wanted her there so she knew what I’d been told and wasn’t just going by what she did 33 years + ago. Even my sister said things have changed since she had her two 9 years ago.

Well I’m starting my lists now. Eek!